The Secret of Flight...

This time is now over...

2009-05-05T02:09:00.001-06:00

I have moved.

Find me if you can. ;)

I love this old blog. Reading over old entries remind me that I wasn't so dumb after all. Actually, quite the contrary: I could be quite inspiring. I hope to continue to be this girl that I was when I wrote on Grapefruit Genius. Love.

chen

The end of the beginning...

2008-08-11T11:25:00.003-06:00

Aiya. I always delay posting on this because my entries always turn out humongously rant-y. The past few posts have horrible use of the English language and are all over the place. Let's start over.

CXR OH!EIGHT._ Camp is an experience every year. This year, however, was the first year that I was actually looking forward to going. From the years 2002-2007, I've just never been particularly excited about it despite the post-camp trend being I love it beyond belief. But this year, maybe it was because I was going to be a counselor and experience things from the flip side - or maybe it was because I was weirdly secure in my faith. Either way, I expected a lot out of CXR and once again, God has not failed to impress me in what He can do. My expectations and experiences were a little different than before because, yes, of the fact that I was a counselor. I got to know so many of the campers and in doing so found out that faith knows no age. Some of the tiniest little guys and gals are probably the most spiritually mature out of the whole group and just really blew me away. Their insights are just amazing to me, and I had a lot to learn from all of them. Which is not to say that my one-on-one's weren't exhausting, because they were, both physically and mentally. But, despite hearing ramblings of this-and-that guy and so-and-so bratty friend drama at school, I'm so glad to have talked to my girls. But one-on-one's, being Camp Mom on the hospitality committee with Annith, being on the worship team, being director/lead of the counselor skit, leading cabin time, mediating drama - that just sounds exhausting to say. I can't believe I did all that as a noob. The responsibilities got to be a little too much for me to really concentrate on God, but on Monday, I received my own overdue God time. Even on stage during the counselor skit, I felt Him there. In me, in the other counselors on stage, in front of us, all around us. Saturating us with His presence, all throughout the end of altar call to campfire. Amazing.

Our speaker Sam Oh, was, without a doubt, one of the most amazing speakers I think we have ever had. He was just the right mix between hilarious - to get some of the more tiao-pi guys to pay attention - and convicting. His speeches were just what I needed - a new spin on old talks, facets of God that I have never even thought of knowing before. I got to talk to him on a few occasions as well, and he's just generally a laid-back, great guy despite being Korean :P.

My warm fuzzies this year were also another thing I was really looking forward to. Can I just say I love love love them? Through the written notes I realized just how many people I touched with our counselor skit in particular (another thing I was so psyched for). We as counselors came such a long way with that one - from half the group being skeptics about whether we'd be able to pull it off or not, to executing it perfectly. I can't wait for Xiao to put the video up. Anyway, I carry the warm fuzzies around with me now. Yep. That's how much of a dork I am, lol.

Camp will never cease to awe me with what God can do. In the water balloon fights and the yuuummmyyyy mealtimes (even though I never got to do the eating contest with Leon - next year!) and the worship practices and the hi-larious skit nights and the early-rising counselor meetings (the last of which I never made it to thanks to exhaustion =_=), He just... He moves mountains. I just wish I could live up there forever, surrounded by my brothers and sisters, clear mountain air, good food, laughter, tears, and God. Is this a glimpse of what heaven is (minus the less-than-great cabin conditions, especially the showers)? If it is, that doesn't seem so bad to me.

Counselor skit cast. Greed, vanity, drunkenness, death, lust, God, and the human girl.

POST CXR OH!EIGHT._ Many BCEFCCECD counselor hang-outs ensue. We're a bunch of crazy Asians. The Tuesday after we got back from camp, we went straightaway to Pho Duy II. (Mmm...). I was trapped between Mike and Ray in the car. You can guess what happened. Mike read most of his 'grammatically [or politically] incorrect' warm fuzzies in a horrible Canto accent, Ray was giggling, I was dying, John was being sarcastic, and yea. It was bad. Then I made the stupidest sounding comment of my life which shall not be repeated here but involved a moving motorcycle on a highway (duh...). Glad I got to be of some entertainment value. ><

Pho was basically a repeat, as I was trapped between Mike and Ray again. I didn't even finish half of my pho T-T.

Two nights ago on Saturday, I drove up to Boulder by myself - getting lost several times on 28th Street that turns BACK into US-36 at some point... - for our counselor get-together (plus Brian, ha) at Katie's parent's restaurant, Five Spice. Attendees (so you know just how BIG our table was): Ann, Jeff, Big-Jack, Jackjack, Amy, Angela, Rayray, Connie, Drew, Jane, Brian, Teddy, Ivo, Wayne, Ken, Xiao, John, Katie, Mike, aaaand me. The food was gooooood. Except for that one fish dish that reminded me of the one I ordered at Chopsticks the night before I almost died.

Afterwards, we cleaned up, of course loitered in the parking lot for about 15 minutes, and then went to Chatauqua Park for a NIGHTHIKE! I know. I don't go hiking. IN fact it's pretty much okay to say I detest hiking with a passion. Plus I was in flip-flops with absolutely no traction. But when I say nighthiking, it's basically a code word for us being a group of LOUD idiots traipsing our way a quarter up a trail before deciding to head back and fool around on picnic benches. I wish somebody had videorecorded the whole thing.

On the way up, Jeff and Jackjack were singing a particularly annoying song, the rest of us were trying to drown them out by singing something-anything-else, and Katie and I were rapping Fahrenheit. Jackjack kept taking his shirt off because he got really hot. And then Mike would make fun. Halfway up, we lost half our group and then began making up completely retarded monster theories of how they got snatched, which sounds stupid told in the daylight, but in the dark with only four flashlights and the perfect setting for a horror movie, it was kind of frightening. People kept breaking off to go find the 'lost' and then never came back. When we dwindled down to about 8 people, we decided to hike back down to wait for the rest by our cars. The way down consisted of making fun of different Chinese accents, Big-Jack and I having a British accent war, making fun of Taiwan (much to the grumbling of Jeff), and more singing of really... weird... songs. And I had 'what-what-in-the-butt' stuck in my head. And Jackjack did some more stripping up top. So that came out at random times. It was completely exhilarating, plus I probably burned 100 or so calories in the process. And I wasn't even tired.

On the picnic benches, we said goodbye about 100 times but nobody wanted to leave yet, so we started playing Asian nerd games and taking pictures and joking and such. I think some of the more 'older' people (re: Tivo and Wayne) got a little annoyed by the 'younger' batch (re: US) being irritably noisy, so they disappeared someplace... And then at around midnight I drove back to Denver with Teddy in my car to keep me company.

My dad was pretty pissed when I arrived home at exactly 1:04 AM. Not exactly thrilled, to say the least. It was good times.

It sounds kind of lame when I write it all out, but when I talk about BCEFCCECD get-togethers, it's a you-had-to-be-there kind of situation. If you were, you'd either be laughing with us or at us. We should have our own TV show.

I guess, though, what I'm trying to say is I love these people. I really do. I mean, yes, sometimes I get sick of seeing Tivo, Wayne, and Xiao all the time, but when we're all together with everyone else I get this feeling in my ribcage, like, I just love you guys. All of you. And I wish we could just live in one big house and be together forever. Of course that's not possible now because we all have school and jobs and busy lives. But maybe someday when we're all old (old? GASP. I don't want to think about it.) and our kids don't want us anymore (even though I'm not having any), we can all retire in one huge mansion in Rhode Island or Florida or China/Taiwan instead of a nursing home. And then it'll be a party every day. That's one thing to look forward to when I'm old, anyway.

Tonight is Jane's bbq in Boulder, and I'm hoping mama will let me go. She wants me to spend some quality time with the familia before I head off to Syracuse again, but I just hoopppppeeee she'll let me go tonight. I'll stay home the rest of the week! (Or, at least, Tuesday Thursday Friday!). I love my family, but I also love my BCEFCCECD family.

I haven't even talked about what's going on with my girls from elementary-middleschool-HS. That's for next time.

Us being us.

...and the start of another beginning?
chensqrd

I want to fall facedown.

2008-07-08T00:27:00.004-06:00

The other day, my sister flew into my room two hours before my natural waking hour (which is... well, let's just say it's obscenely late) to relate her horrifying nightmare to me. Despite my being pretty groggy and drifting in and out of sleep, I listened to my meimei describe the monster in her bad dream's face, and every detail of his glistening, black eyes and how she was afraid to go to sleep again the next night.
I could relate. We all hate nightmares - in my case, I still sleep with a nightlight because of night-frights. Yep. That's right. I'm nineteen years old and I sleep with a nightlight.

Anyway. As Qin bounced around on my bed, temporarily forgetting about her dream in other attempts to wake me so I could play, my mind started to drift as it often does (I'm a writer... it happens). I started to think about the level of which I feared nightmares, and for one moment hoped I wouldn't have one that night - but then a sort of existential thought occured to me next: even if I didn't have a nightmare that night, fine, but in my lifespan (unless I happen to die very soon) how many more nightmares would I have? Hundreds of thousands. Millions. Perhaps billions, if I'm so unlucky. Even if I made it through a whole year somehow without having one traumatic nightmare, what were the odds that I would make it through my whole entire life without at least another one of those closet-monster dreams? Dreams are totally out of our control - try as we might, we cannot control what our brain plays back to us in the state of unconsciousness. I don't care what those freaky mind gurus say, you can't condition your mind what to dream. Sometimes it works, but in general, you can dream anything, from fuzzy demented polygons oozing pus (a nightmare of mine that just sounds retarded when I retell it but is the most terrifying, recurring childhood nightmare I have ever had, and will unfortunately continue to have) to purple angels who fly around throwing bananas at people (that one hasn't happened yet).

Well, I thought to myself, if I can't control nightmares, at least it's nice that I control basically most other things in my life. How I do in school, who I date and befriend, what I do with my free time. But as all existential crises go, it seeped into the edges of my brief lull of happiness and made me think -- how much do I really control, though? Do I really control who my boyfriend is and the grades I get and if I choose to laze around watching TV or go outside and help my dad water the flowers?

As a Christian, I am taught that while everyone has free will, God also controls our destiny. He is the puppetmaster of our fate and how we turn out... okay, maybe puppetmaster isn't the best analogy because He definitely does not contain the morbid and slightly grim connotations that comes with the word 'puppetmaster'. We do not operate on strings and God does not dictate exactly when to move and what to do. I suppose a better phrase would be that God maps out the blueprint, the foundation, of our lives. If we choose to follow that blueprint and build our existence around what he has advised, is our choice. So, God may already have determined the man I will marry, but not whether I water the flowers or watch TV. (As in, God will never say "TEND TO THE GARDEN OR MY WHOLE PLAN IS THROWN OFF BALANCE" or stuff like that. Say it with me: TRIVIAL.)

Still, so many people are freaked out by the fact that our destiny is already, to a degree, pre-determined. It is a huge con that we do not hold our own remote controllers to ourselves, being the total control freaks that we are. We don't like the idea that we aren't in control because all of us, when it comes to this issue, are like insolent teenagers - we know best, we know everything, God knows squat, and he should give us free reign, because Father does not know best. This included me; I had so many doubts that an old senile Santa Clause incarnate knew what was best for me. I mean, what if He gave me a future job and career that I detested? What if He made me end up in a place in the world that I didn't want to be in? Most importantly (because I am finally okay admitting that I just like boys), what if I hated the person he chose to be my "The One"???

You know what, though? To hold out with us being like teenagers, that analogy comes with its own implications - that teenagers are foolhardy, that they don't in fact know best, and that their wisdom and knowledge extends to maybe the length of their pinky nail. I mean, how great are we, actually, that we think we can map out our own life if we've only lived and experienced one life, compared to God, who's seen and been through billions? If remote controlled devices held their own remotes, how far would they get when they can only see what's in front of them whereas we can see much farther and beyond, and because of that guide them the right way to hit minimal obstacles that flatten their little engines? I'm full of bad analogies today. My point is, God created us, crafted us, placed in detail the environment we would grow up in. How in the world would he not know what was best? We can only see a few feet in front of us, and nothing of the future, whereas he looks over the whole universe and knows the future and by doing so, can guide us by the safest route throughout life. I doubt I can even remember how to build a cell, much less a complex human being or an Earth. God is not senile, he does not look like Santa Clause, and he knows best.

It took me so long to figure that out. I was fighting Him for so long, getting caught deeper and further in the cloud that was dragging me down, drowning me, the barbwire hooks cutting into my skin amidst my struggle and taking pieces of me with it, and all I needed to do was stand still and let Him gently remove me from the net. I remember a speaker at Camp Xroads a few years ago saying that lifeguards aren't allowed to save drowning people until they stop struggling for themselves and throw their hands up. That's when the lifeguards go in and do their thing. Enough said.

It's still a daily struggle, especially in the area of my relationship with others. I am only beginning to trust God, and my hand has not entirely reached his outstretched one. My current flavor of the week (haha. not.) is a Christian (!) and part of his appeal is that... well, that he's Christian. I never thought I valued that in a man very much, but it was only after I became interested in one that when I see Him running after God that I'm so... I don't know. Touched? Moved? Well, he's Christian, yes, and I'm told we would be great together - but I don't know if that's God's plan. A part of me is just tempted to say "Go screw yourself, God" and pursue him until I get him or get coldhardrejected ><. A part of me is scared that he's not for me, that God doesn't think he's right for me, and that He won't give him to me. And that scares me, because as of right now, I would really, really like to have this boy, especially as I know he used to like me and is still attracted to me. The old doubt is beating at the back of my mind - that God doesn't know anything and I should just do everything in my power to get this boy as I can - but you know, whatever happens is God's will anyway, and I can't fight it. I can squirm around and maybe win this boy and go HA! But God will say, "My will be done" and maybe laugh a little at my silliness. I have to sit back and let whatever's meant to happen, happen.

Because despite my baby steps, I'm still fighting in the water a little bit, trying to save myself, but it's gotten to the point where I'm only weakly flailing around and about to give in because I know that it's useless. Seeing Him work in my life and in other's lives fills me so much with awe. I see Him saving others, and I want to give up and let him save me. I want to fall on my face and wait for Him to dust me off and hold me and say it's okay, as I know in my head He will undoubtedly do. I just need to feel it in my heart now. It does come to my heart and soul, but erratically. It comes in pangs and bursts, unknowing tears pricking behind my eyes at random times, like worship during a particular line in a song, or when I pray for my family in China, or when the brothers and sisters are just all together and I see us all growing, seeking Him as one. When it does come, I feel... full. I feel like bursting, like overflowing with joy something unspeakable.

I want that all the time. I want to fall down and be picked up. I want to fall facedown.

That's all. It's late, and I have work tomorrow.

Let Your glory shine around,
chen | summer

Another school term later...

2008-05-26T16:23:00.002-06:00

Yes. My freshman year of college has passed by. Time seems to just fly, doesn't it? The lonely or boring hours you spend doing nothing makes time almost drag on endlessly, and in those moments it seems like the day will never end. But before you know it, another week has passed, then another month, then another semester, and year...

I can't believe it. It seems so far away that I was a freshman setting foot on Syracuse all by myself, saying a hard goodbye to mama and baba for the first time, and taking deep breaths and making wishes that I'd make friends quickly. I look back on those days that I didn't know my way around campus and had to carry around a map, and the days when I felt so small and insignificant, and so lonely because of the distance between me and my friends and family.

And yet, it only seems like yesterday when I was trying on my Disney Princess backpack for the first time and having my mama take my tiny hand and rush me to pre-school, only to be told by the teacher that we didn't have school on Sundays in America :). I still dream about being a child, dancing around in my tiara and grown-up shoes in the living room, back when life was really simple, and so carefree. None of those worries about the future, or responsibilities, or paying the bills, or whether you look all right. All worries consisted of only cooties and whether I had enough stick-on earrings to last me the rest of the week, haha.

Freshman year turned out to be a nice year. Not the best, but definitely not the worst. I think everybody has to go through a few scrapes and accidents in life before they find where they really belong, you know? Especially when you first start out in a new place. And you don't always end up where you thought you would. I'm talking about myself when I say this because I'm a crazy dreamer.

Anyway, that's all in the past now. I'm looking on to sophomore year and no more early mornings and guitar lessons (!) and living with friends and more good grades. I received four A's and one B this last term, so I'm pretty proud of myself even though I accidentally overdrafted on my debit card. :| Oops.

I actually just came back from CCCJR. God's a funny thing. I started out not wanting to go in the least because the youth program was for 6-12 grades; I thought I'd stay at a friend's house while my family drove to Estes for the weekend. But then I got trapped (I should say called, actually) into serving as a co-counselor and in the worship team with Mike, Sarah, Flo, and David Carter. And I'm glad I went, as always. The weather was so nice, and getting up in the mornings to appreciate the early-morning crisp air was a good experience. Qinqin got sick like always so she missed a lot, which sucked, and I didn't sleep that much, but it was enjoyable anyways. Our speaker, a young guy named Peter Henderson who actually went through the tragedy of Columbine, spoke about Hermeneutics and Exegesis, and the great part was, he actually made it interesting and relatable to both the sixth graders and myself. We got to talk to him at lunch once and he's so chill. Admittedly, we spent most of the time talking about amazing restaurants and Casa Bonita >.>...

And the kids were so cute. There were a couple of guys who we were like, oh, when they grow up they'll be so attractive! And I felt kind of pervy for saying that. Also, the little girls were so cute and they really do look up to us as mentors and role models. I feel pressure. Just kidding. I'm really pumped up for Camp Xroads now - I want to have my little group of CC-Campers!!!

Speaking of sixth graders, it's so weird when you ask them what year they were born and they go "1995." "1996." I FEEL SO OLD! I was born in 1989, man! Last of the 80's! I still feel like the 95'ers and so should still be in kindergarten. And none of them know, like, A*Teens or Power Rangers or Rubix Cubes. None of the things we grew up with. And they're all so fashionable. When I was their age I wore flowery leggings and matching sweatshirts.

The point is, God is good, and He knows what He's doing. We had so many nice moments at camp (which, weirdly enough, most of them centered around Mike - that guy is on speed all the time or something) with the worship team and things. I sung my heart out and played my heart out and loved it. I can't wait till I can play guitar too *pumps fist*.

When I was young, I always wished I could be a sophisticated, older teen. Always a daydreamer, I pictured high school, and the car I would drive, and the boy I would date, and the way I would look and act. But the funny thing is, I never made it in my dreams past prom. Never. I always stopped at around junior year, thinking anything beyond age seventeen was unthinkable - too old to fathom. And now I'm well into year nineteen, and even seventeen seems like a baby age to me. I've been to prom, I've graduated, and I've flown across the country to experience one full year of college already. I always thought after prom some lightning would strike, the earth would end, and I'd never get any older. But here I am, still standing on my own two feet, and as big a dreamer as ever. I sometimes wish I could go back to six year old Chen Chen, and bend down to my knees and ask her, did I do you justice? I know I'm not as perfect as you would've liked me to be. But, are you happy with who you turn out as? Are you excited to become this older you? This flawed, sometimes awkward, sarcastic, boyish, girlish, imperfect you?

No regrets. Here's to looking forward.

...and hopefully wiser,
chen.

...I am 11:59 A.M. Really?

2008-02-17T03:52:00.002-07:00

"You are late-sleepy relaxation, the half-awake moment when you realize it's morning, but you don't have to get up, because there's no place you have to be. You are that cozy spot under the covers where everything feels temporarily perfect, even if you know you'll eventually have to wiggle out and start the day. Maybe you're the artistic type, who doesn't function well on a normal schedule. Sleep's important to you, and you like the freedom of sleeping as late as you want (especially since that is closely related to the freedom to stay up as late as you want). You like to roll out of bed, put on some comfy clothes, and get a laid back start to the day. If not everything on your list gets accomplished, no worries. Your only priority is having no priorities – you just want to take things at a slow, mellow pace."

A randomly taken quiz can describe a little bit of me perfectly! O_O

and you're my 12:00 PM,
chen.

What to say during perfect days...

2008-02-05T22:17:00.000-07:00

今天的天气真的好美呵。。。Really, the weather was just perfect. I never say this about Syracuse weather, but today I felt like if it stayed like this all the time I could just move here.
It wasn't cold at all - in fact I think it was around 45, which was just good for a sweater and a light coat - and it was gray, but it wasn't dreary. It was more like a bit foggy and ethereal. And it was raining... but it wasn't. You know, when it's not dripping onto you and soaking you through, but as you walk you can feel the tiny dewdrops and mist sprinkling your face. It was so perfect. ^^

Also, my short fever is gone, I think. Take that, sickness! *Shakes fist* I think it really was Airborne who cured me. I don't like to take it, but... it saved me, so, 我感谢他才对！Yay, Airborne! My health seems so fragile these days, aiya, but, I'm just glad to have energy again and be 100% OK la. ^^v

I got sick because I was rushing for sororities all weekend, and standing out in the cold for probably 3/5 of it. Plus I'm losing my voice. After all this, I'm still not too sure if I want to pledge... at the end of the day you still aren't very genuine when you only have 20 minutes to sell yourself to a representative of a house. Hopefully I wasn't too fake... but I like AChiO and AZD and Theta. Hopefully if I get into one of those I'll be 100% sure. Ah, who knew rushing would be such a tiring process. ~~At least I made friends in my group! Vivian and Sarah and Emily and Liz. 爱你们啦！！！

I'm also now 19. We didn't do anything too big to celebrate because it was the day that rush started. At midnight I got mobbed by the hallway girls and on the phone and throughout the day I kept getting facebook/phone wishes, which was nice except now I have about 2000 facebook messages to return X-(. And after rush, Carrie, Mary, Ilka and I hung out in Carrie's room, ordered Chinese, and watched Aladdin and just talked. It was nice, I liked it :) I got curry chicken :3.

Cristiano Ronaldo's birthday is today! He's 23! Our age difference is still only 4 years, so I guess if Jiro and I don't work out... no! Don't say that! 加油！！晨晨加油！！！大东一定会爱上你的！！！

Heehee, I am very well today. The math test was also easy. Let's see how the rest of the week is, suddenly my huge workload isn't seeming so intimidating...

...& what can I say except, it's perfect.
晨.

Good to bad to good to bad...

2008-01-16T16:27:00.001-07:00

What an odd day! I don't know if the good cancels out the bad or not.

First: I lost my I.D. last semester, the day before the semester ended, and I just know I left it in the dining hall. When I came back this semester, I asked around the front desk, and the dining hall, and everywhere people had no idea where it went. In the end I basically gave up hope and went to replace it yesterday: $15. But I was still worried that someone was going to use my original I.D. for the $150 on it. So today, when I go to check my mailbox... it's IN THERE. @_@. AHHHH. Grrr. I don't know why nobody told me... T-T.

And I can't refund my money either.

Second: When I was walking to class today I was walking behind a Chinese couple and their daughter who I guess were either touring or coming for her as a prospective student. I could hear their conversations and when they stopped to ask someone for directions to Newhouse their English was very limited, so I went up to give them directions in Mandarin. Suddenly, the daughter says to me, “喂，你不是那个渣子里面的模型吗？我认识你啊！！！”

I was like "Uh... wha?"

But she pulled out a Chinese magazine and flipped to an advertisement for water and it was me!!!! I was so baffled! It was one of my unknown advertisements my uncle had told me about and I was seeing it for the first time. O_O!

Then she asked me for my autograph!!! I was so stunned I signed my name wrong - completely not even my signature, I just printed the letters and waved a dazed goodbye.

And now I'm like DANG IT. Because I didn't even get the name of the magazine or anything. Sigh. But it just goes to say that if I really did want to break into the Chinese movie star thing it might not be that difficult/different. ^^

That's it for now.

...to good to bad to forever!
大东的晨晨

Our year is now over...

2008-01-13T00:13:00.000-07:00

Amazing, how fast the years go by, isn't it? Before we know it, 2007, the year of my previously unfathomable high school graduation, is over and just a memory in our minds. And like all other years, 2008 is a chance for a new beginning, a new start, and let's hope that's how it turns out to be! I have a lot of work ahead of me this next year, I know I do, and it's both physical and mental. So 晨晨 -- 加油, 加油啦!!! Yea!!! *Pumps fist in air*

Break has been more than amazing and I'm a little sad to be going back to the dreary town of Syracuse. In all honesty, if I could just delete Littleton and make it Syracuse, Colorado, that would be fantastic. But I guess then I would never learn independence.

For Christmas, I got less presents than last year, but that's to be expected because my parents are paying for college. Plus I got a lot of presents from friends I never thought would give me presents! So it was nice. I have a lot of winter wear... ^^v

As far as China summer '08 goes, I don't know if we're going back anymore. Because tickets starting May, through August, are soo expensive due to the Olympics, so we as of now, the plans are still up in the air... I really hope we can! It seems unrealistic to say it anymore but I miss my family : (. My aunts and uncles got evicted from their homes because the government are building a mall there (!?! Stupid communists) so they all have new, complimentary apartments now. I'm really pissed at China, but I want to see their new homes. Even if it's not the same. (I miss my aunt's pretty Roman-style house... T-T).

Speaking of China...

Introducing Husband the Second: Jiro Wang | Wang Dong Chen | A.K.A. 大東哥哥
<-- 好可愛啦!~~~

He is leader of the Taiwanese boyband Fahrenheit (Fei Lun Hai).

<-- Fahrenheit

My dad brought back a consolation Drama for my sister and I to watch from China (in place of an absent Wallace Chung period drama he was supposed to have gotten for us...) named HanaKimi, starring Ella of S.H.E and Wu Zun & Jiro from Fahrenheit. And I thought Jiro was pretty cute but I didn't get that infatuated until one night when I decided to look them up on youtube for their MV's. And OH MY GOD. He's my husbanddd!!! He is perfect husband specimen for me. He sings (mmm, I love his voice), dances (really well), plays guitar (classical and e), raps, draws, loves to eat, has a great sense of personal style (hair & clothing!), and is a romantic ^^. Hubby-hubby, 我來了!!!!!!!

I was complaining to my friend Xiao over pho about Jiro one day (and the lack of him in Colorado) and he gave me a sudden hope! I had completely forgotten his aunt was a bigshot agent in China (she knows Jay Chou!) and our conversation went something like this:

Me: *something about meeting Jiro one day*

Xiao: Well, I'll talk to my aunt, and have you send some headshots and portfolio pictures to her. If she likes you, then maybe you can break into the industry.

Me: Like... acting!?! @_@

I already have a pseudo-model portfolio with plenty of pictures to send Aunt-of-Xiao, so now my happiness rests on their shoulders! If it happens and I needed to go to Taiwan for something big (like filming!), I would so take a year off from college.

HERE I COME!

On another note, spending time with friends and family has been funfunfun. My friends and I finally went downtown this year to 16th street mall to see the fireworks. There were soo many people! And when everyone was cheering together for like 10 minutes after the 'ball dropped' it was like magic. We saw a couple of 50-something women in sparkly revealing dresses completely trashed and vowed that that would be us in 40 years. Forget our husbands (unless of course mine is Jiro).

Break is over, and I'm homesick for Denver and shoeless-showers and pillowtop beds and family and pho and Chipotle and sun already. I leave in 3 hours to the airport (my flight is at 6 AM =_=''!) and I'll be counting down the days until spring break. Only six and a half weeks! This semester is going to go by really quick.

I still need to figure out a lot of things in college (I lost my ID! D:) like where I'm going to live next year and with who. Plus classes will be challenging. *Takes deep breath*

大家一起加油!!!~~~

...but a new one is just beginning.
大東 (will) 愛,
晨晨.

What Will from Now On be Known as Quite Possibly the Weirdest Night of My Life.

2007-12-10T08:57:00.000-07:00

(Warning: This entry contains moronic, bordering on retarded, language. No usual witty banter will be typed. Blame goes to how shocked author still is from night the previous.)

Uhh, yea. That's what it'll be called. Because not a lot of things surprise me, so the fact that yesterday I almost fell over about six times and knocked myself unconscious because my knees gave way, should be indication of just how weirded out I was.

Let's start at the beginning: Friday Night.
Nothing was ever supposed to happen because I was supposed to be staying in for yet another weekend, writing my final CAS100 paper which was due the next day at noon. I'm almost done with my final argument at around 10 PM when Carrie texts me and asks if I want to come out with them. So I know I should be staying in, but I haven't been out in about 3 weeks and I'm DYING to have a life again, so I write HELLAS fast, thank god I'm already dressed from going to Funk'N Waffles for the Kappa Phi Lambda pre-rush earlier, and I get ready in 5 minutes and meet Carrie and Karen upstairs at 10:30.

We, Mary, Jenna, Ilka, a new girl Abby (who I <33!!!), and a few of Jenna's guy friends who I never bothered to get to know go to 736 Livingston (how do I still remember this...?) for a house party. The majority of the people there turn out to be architecture majors, as are my friends, and I'm the token Newhousie baby, but I don't care - I have a good time meeting people. They're serving this thing called Santa's Brew, which is lemonade/vodka/beer and sounds totally gross but tastes AMAZING, and of course I can't tell how drunk I'm getting, so I have a ton of those and like always I get sloppy and my inhibitions sort of flush themselves down the toilet.

At the beginning of the night I notice this really tall guy in a striped shirt, and Carrie tells me his name is Zach and he's newly broken up with his girlfriend (score!) and then I tell her "I want to hook up with someone before Christmas and he's really attractive!!" >_<. But I don't really think too much of it until I'm sitting on the couch with Ilka and Carrie a while later and he comes over and introduces himself to me. And then, you know how you can feel someone's eyes on you? Yup, that's what I MAJORLY get from him - but I've gotten that feeling wrong plenty times before, when they're actually not staring at me at all, and for serious I thought he was a bit out of my league so I don't get my hopes up this time and shrug it off.

A while later, my happy juice, also known as Santa's Brew, is really kicking in now, and after dancing on a tabletop with my friends, I really need to sit down. So I don't really remember, but I think I was sitting on the couch... or maybe I was just standing somewhere zoning out. Either way, Zach comes over and asks me why I'm not dancing. So then somehow I end up dancing with him for a couple of songs (ha, and I'm so gone I don't even care that he's a classic white boy in that he can't dance - but he tries anyway, which sometimes makes it worse) but then I have to sit down again because the room is now bouncing with me @_@. So I'm sitting there on the couch again concentrating on breathing when the girl next to me gets up, leaves, and then is replaced by Zach!

And I swear to Chanel that we talked, I promise we did for at least 5 minutes... I just don't really remember what it was about. I remember saying something to him about dancing, and he sort of grins at me, and the next thing I know, we're totally making out. And everybody was cheering for both of us? Ick, that sounds so stupid to say out loud. I hate making out in front of people. Thank you Santa for taking that away with your lovely little concoction.

He's really feely-uppy, for sure; I have to push his hands away from places we shall not name more than once. We're also on the couch for a long time; then he says he needs to go to the bathroom (think about it. I wonder what he was doing in there? O_O). But then I must've forgotten where he went because I'm socializing with Abby and looping around the house looking for boys for her and Karen, and then I think a while later I'm sitting on the couch, again, and Zach comes over to sit by me again and we just talk this time. I don't remember what it was about again. Yea, shut up. I think at one point we talk about MTV and his dad being the CEO (he was lying, dumbass) and him building my future house? And uh, we also witness Ilka and Zach's (HOT may I add) friend Scott hooking up. But then Mary pulls me up and says we're going to TKE, so I go to go get my coat--but it takes me awhile to find it because I spend about 10 minutes in the wrong room (guh) and when I finally come back downstairs she and Jenna and Karen and Abby have left already, so I just go back into the couch room. Zach is sitting on the table, and he pulls me over, kisses me a few more times, we sit on the couch again, and then Carrie and Zach's other friend Dan hook up and basically tumble over onto my LAP (awkwardddd!!!!).

Wait. there's another point in time somewhere where we kind of are holding hands when I'm talking to Abby, but I don't remember where it fits in. And some of those times on the couch might be fictional, because we might've been sitting on the table or standing up or something. Everything's kind of fuzzy...

Anyway, so then the six of us go down to TKE (how weird is that... three of us, three of them, all of us have hooked up. Great.) Zach gives me a piggyback part of the way cuz it's icy and I don't want to fall down (which I would have had I walked) and once at TKE, we dance some more, hook up a lot more, and drink water until they kick us out. Then we're at the sidewalk in front of Shaw talking, and Zach is being really flirty but I'm really tired so we finally part ways and I hit the hay.

Phew. That was Friday. Now for the weird part.
So yesterday, I become friends with Zach on facebook, so naturally I'm at his profile browsing around (I'm not a stalker, seriously. -__-.) when I see on his mini-feed that he's just become friends with Allie, one of my friends who lives two doors down from me. I'm sort of confused, but I don't think too much about it later until I'm talking to her roommate, Michaela, and she tells me that Allie hooked up with 'some tall kid' on Saturday night at a Christmas-themed party.

All of the sudden, I put two and two together and FREAK out. I don't even know why; and it's definitely not because I'm jealous or whatever. I'm just so stunned that some random guy hooked up with me and and my hallmate in one weekend. What are the chances of that even HAPPENING!? How are we recycling men already - we're freshmen! There's at least 300 freshmen guys - how did we end up with the same one? Allie's not in her room so I can't confirm it, but I'm so weirded out that I can't concentrate on COM107 anymore and when Lauren posts pictures from Saturday night and I see them, uhh yep, Allie and I hooked up with the same guy. When Allie gets back to the dorm, I talk to her, and turns out she already knows because Mary was there (along with Jenna) Saturday night, she saw her and Zach hooking up, and Mary told Allie about Zach and me yesterday morning at breakfast. We end up talking about it, and Zach was really touchy-feely with Allie too - in fact, he gave her a great big hickey on her neck. She didn't like him so much. All of the sudden, the 'Zach breaking up with girlfriend recently' isn't looking so attractive so much as he is all of the sudden trying to console his newly single status with having crazy sex (okay, not sex) as much as he can.

When I text Carrie, she says she already knows too - which basically means everybody knows, except the rumor going around is that Zach hooked up with me and my roommate, which is virtually worse. So I ask Carrie if I should text Zach to see if he knows, and she says I should, so I do.

This is our conversation. To be documented for my future reference, so I can look back on it and get weirded out (I really need a synonym for this phrase) all over again:

Me: Hey it's summer (I have his #, he doesn't have mine). So umm I was wondering if you knew that allie and i live 2 doors down from each other yet.. ahaha

Him: Oy vey

Me: Haha yea. whatevs its cool

Him: lol this is pathetic im telling you this but i have hooked up with a total of three girls all year (but he had a girlfriend so I don't know why he thinks that makes him a loser - unless he thinks all guys are expected to fulfill some sort of hookup status quo, no matter if that entails cheating?) (1)

Me: **o,O o,O Heh.. heh.. okay, make a joke because I have no idea wtf to say still** Haha and two of us are in the same hall! Oh no =P

Him: HahaHaha

Me: **>_> <_<>** Haha i dont know what to say..** I'm sure you'll find.. a lot more? Hahaha

Him: Haha na im really not like that just had soo much work all year and finally had a chance to go out a lil

Me: **...I'm going to bed.** Ha i'm sure ;) well no worries, just check yourself next time haha and we'll probably hang out again soo see you soon

Him: yep yep if i dont see you before break have a good break n stuff ttyl :)

Me: **.............'Yep yep'?** (no answer)

(1) = In the middle of wondering when this turned into a confessional with me as the priest, Michaela comes rushing into my room asking if Amanda has Ace bandages because Allie might've broken her wrist sledding. Also, around the same time, Ivo calls because I had called him after I found out about Zach and Allie, so I have to tell Ivo I'll call him back, fly around my room looking for Amanda's bandage and tape, and run over to Allie's room where everyone's telling her what a trooper she is (and she is). After the medic comes and gets her, I answer Zach, call Ivo, have to call him back three times so Zach doesn't think I'm ignoring him after he just basically gave his secret out to a stranger - even though Ivo keeps telling me not to answer him - and the night ends with me trying to study for Japanese all the while thinking that maybe I might've hooked up with a three year old (albeit a very attractive one) on Friday night.

I'm going to contradict what I told Ivo about having no emotions and say that I feel sort of bad for Zach; I kind of want to see him again before I leave so he can forget this nightmare and we can be, err... friends? But with finals happening throughout the week I doubt it will happen.

Why do things like this happen the week before I leave for somewhere else for a very long time? I guess all written out it doesn't seem like that big a deal, but shit was hitting the fan for a full three hours last night at full force, excuse my language.

After all this, you finally get to see what he looks like.
And ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Mister Zachary Goldstein:

And that was very long. I need to stop thinking about it.

...or maybe my life is just weird,
chen | summer

Bridge to Terabithia... or somewhere just as fantastical

2007-11-30T00:10:00.001-07:00

Aiya, I haven't updated in a long time again! And now, who'da thunk it, it's almost the end of my first semester at college (13 days, 22 hours, 55 minutes, and 22 seconds to be exact, and I'm counting). Where do I even start? Perhaps with the fact that college was not at all what I expected, and yet it was everything I was expecting (does that even make sense to me!?! I think if I don't put in at least one paradox in my life somewhere, it'll all come falling down worse than London Bridges).

I think, in a sense, that I was expecting to 'own' Syracuse, just as I sort of do Denver. In my little Denver bubble of life, I am completely comfortable with everything - the people, even strangers; the places, even if I get absolutely lost on Colfax (hm... okay maybe that's taking it a little too far)... and I knew where to go for everything, my schedule was always filled up, pho and boba and Chipotle were always accessible, and I was just... it was my niche. I actually won't be surprised if I end up living there when I get older, despite the lack of perfect men there. Okay, correction: after I get married to PERFECT MAN I will move back to Denver. Denver was so laid back. I loved the vibe.

When I got to Syracuse, I expected everything to be the same -- maybe a little grungier, but essentially, for me to be the same outgoing, outspoken, opinionated sarcastic eccentrically funny girl I was even though I was yanked out of my comfort zone. So when I didn't immediately find 'my homies', I freaked out. I wish I could be like those girls you see who is friends with everyone, and really chill, but doesn't have a best friend or a particular group she hangs out with, but doesn't care or need friends, either. But I need friends. I need my group of girlfriends, so when I couldn't find one within the second day, I was ready to pack my bags and go home. I don't know why; all I knew was that I was suddenly unhappy and I couldn't figure out why I seemed to be so different from everyone here. Perhaps if you took all the same people and plonked them right in central Centennial, I'd've been the life of the party all the time, but all of the sudden I found myself being impossibly awkward and alone.

I think I overreacted, and if I chilled out, I could've seen that everybody was probably feeling the same and kept my reputation of being 'cool' or whatever. I mean, I think everybody is scared of college, at least at first. Obviously you have the few superhumans who seem completely unaffected by their surroundings and who just 'walk in the light' (hahaha, thank you She's the Man) and seem to be right in their element no matter where they are. I applaud them, but usually, there's just something so daunting, however popular-athetic-tanned-smart you are, to place someone in a completely new atmosphere with just these words: "Good luck. And... go. And----go. GO."

But instead of realizing that everybody probably went into college with the same sentiment as me, I was too caught up with finding my best-friends-forever's right away that I was too quickly disappointed with the trial-and-error groups I hung out with and sometimes I even smothered my true personality under a facade of bland vague perkiness. Blah. It's so retarded to think about now.

I know everyone thinks this but I wish somebody had given me a crash course on "how NOT to act around new people in Syracuse". I mean, I would seriously hang out with people and feel virtually boring because I had nothing to say - I felt like I had to fill up all the silence with my nonchalant chatter that every other girl seemed to be able to produce and all I was coming up with was BRAIN FARTS. That NEVER would've happened to me in Denver. I mean, I talk wayyy too much in the homeland. So I would be going to lunch or going out with a bunch of girls from wherever and I'd just be thinking to myself the whole time, "think of something to say, think of something to say, oh em gee you're so retarded, retarded... GAH." And I'd soo want to tell everybody that "I swear this isn't who I really am, I'm so much fun in real life, I don't know why I'm like this here" and then I'd be exhausted from being mentally masochistic.

Maybe I was intimidated by Syracuse as a whole, so I felt that everybody in Syracuse was intimidating too. I don't know. Plus, I got sick about 4 times during the semester; I got tonsillitis on Halloween and called my mom crying because I felt so sick (but I think I used my sickness as an excuse to cry when I was only actually lonely). I missed out on Halloween day, Homecoming weekend, and apparently 'the best night ever' as far as frat parties go.

But the other thing was, this group of girls in my hallway, self-dubbed ACLS, adopted me after the first week into their group of five (well, actually, four [notice there are 4 letters in their group name, not five], because one, the other four didn't actually like [but who I like - ha]) and I was so grateful that I molded myself to be like them. And then after a while, they just got to be so condescending, and manipulative, that I was obsessively counting down the days when I could just go home and cried in my room a few times and dreaded the weekends because they were such a haters clique. It was like I had been assigned to the wrong hallway. I wanted to move out anywhere else. ACLS weren't mean to me; on the contrary, they appeared nice. But they would exclude people, they only liked each other best, and the four would just constantly pick up and then drop girls and talk about them behind their backs. It made me paranoid. After a while I couldn't stand it at all, so I stopped hanging out with them. I'm glad I don't have to trick myself into thinking that they're my friends. I mean, they probably talked about me behind my back. Do I care anymore? No. Whatevs. We can be frenemies. Plus the guys they hang out with are annoying and fugly. They really are. I hate the guys they hang out with (the "third-floorers").

The funny thing is, I like each of them (well, ALS, not C. C, I'm sorry to say, is just an ugly person on the inside, which is such a shame because she's so pretty on the outside) separately, but when you get them all in a big group, they like, feed off each other's negative energy and explode DOOM onto other people. You have to have an ego the size of Goliath before you interact with these people.

(I know. As of now, college seems like a total nightmare. But onto the turning point......)

But God has a funny way of working. It was only by hanging out with them that I got to know a girl, Mary, from another dorm down the street. When, the weekend before halloween, ACLS ditched me, I texted Mary to whine a bit and she instantly invited me to join her group instead. And the Saturday of October 29th when I went over to her dorm and met her group of friends was probably the happiest day of college I've had. Mary, Carrie (who is the only one who doesn't live in that dorm -- she lives in MINE!!!), Ilka (fellow Chinese *pumps fist*), Karen, and Jenna remind me so much of my group at home that I almost want to look to the sky to see God saying 'I told you I'd come through in the end'. I mean, it's much too early to tell if this will last, but something in my bones says it will. I feel so much more like myself around them. October 29th was like taking a breath of fresh air after being underwater for so long, not being able to see or hear or move properly, slowly drowning all the while (how's that for you metaphor nazis, HA!). We've hung out for a few weekends now and every weekend is so much fun. The only difficult thing is that I don't have any classes with them whatsoever and can't really see them during the week. But I always have hope, as crazy as that sounds because of how cynical I am. College has made me gain hope. I don't know if that's a good or bad thing.

On top of that, Thanksgiving weekend I got to go home and it was... so good. So good. It was like I had never left. Everything just picked up where it left off... and standing in the airport, waiting for my mom to pick me up, tears of relief was streaming down my face, because I was home, I was smelling the Denver atmosphere, I had made it through college hell, and I had pulled through to the other side with new - but hopefully (see? HoPe) solid - friends to help me onto my feet again.

AHH. I've been rambling for about 4958374968 pages and I haven't even talked about classes at all. Whatever, though. Classes were fine this semester. I especially loved how I never had to go to Chinese, just show up once every three weeks or so for a test which she never graded - just gave me a big fat A+ on the top of my paper (ah, Chinese favoritism... ^_^v). COM107 was tough and kicked my ass, but that's okay, it was a learning experience. I also joined the student-owned TV station - CitrusTV - in hopes of padding my resume. I'm so not looking forward to next semester though - 17 credits, two 8 AM classes ><, and one of them is a MATH which I vowed never to take again. BAH HUMBUG.

I'm joining (possibly) a sorority in the spring. I relied on that, actually, to get me through the unhappy days, because I'd say, 'well these people don't matter anyway because I'm going to get into a sorority and make lifelong friends there, not with these girls. They're just space-fillers'. But I don't know which one to join - maybe Kappa Phi Lambda, the Asian sorority? I don't know, I dunno if I can stand being around Asians 24/7.

As far as the boy department goes, let me just say that first, platonic friendships with guys are SO MUCH EASIER than ones with girls. I get along so well with guys (just not the moronic third floorers). I wish girls would just get a grip and stop being catty and start burping and making weird jokes and scratching their butts and talk about sex in front of each other like guys do. As far as romantic interests go, um... when they say you meet all sorts in college, you do. I have about 6 stalkers and I DON'T KNOW HOW because HERE is something that never happened to me before in Denver! I think the most I had back home was 2 guys at a time who liked me, but never 6 and never the same intensity as they do here!! It's RIDICULOUS. Most of them are Asian, and about 10 guy's interests were short-lived (as in, do me tonight or I forget you - pff who needs those sorts) but I have never felt so flattered. Which is not to say I am hooking up with everyone like crazy, cuz I actually haven't with anybody. Weird, eh? I'm just not interested in any of them. Even though 2 of them are crazy good looking (ONE LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE TAKESHI KANESHIRO FROM HOUSE OF FLYING DAGGERS!!! I had opportunity to get him in my room twice - he offered - and I said no. *smacks forehead* Maybe that's for the best though).

College... is such a weird pseudo-life that will probably sooner or later become my half-real life. I'm not used to it right now, but I'm glad I've made it through the storm for now and was able to hold onto the edge of the ship, as many nails as I broke in the process. It's still a bit daunting to me. Lately the smallest 'mushy' thing - stories of friendship, of perseverence, of integrity - makes me want to cry. I don't know why... maybe it's because I know what it is now, that I went through it. I've never valued friends, family, my life, or mom doing my laundry for me as much as I do now. Speaking of friends, one night during Thanksgiving break I was driving Daren back home and she said, "I haven't found my best friend at college yet, but it always cheers me to know that I still have you, and Alex, and Lissa, and even Claire to fall back on in Denver." I wish I had found and relied on that. Perhaps it would've saved me instances of feelign like I wasn't enough, or something. But maybe I had to go through that to know that I don't 'own' Syracuse.

On October 23rd, I wrote a text message to nobody when I was in my room with the lamp on doing homework listening to the wind outside. It's still in my drafts, and it says this:

"I'm halfway convinced God is purposely making me live with people I don't like and work to find best friends as a test of endurance. I'll get through it... I swear."

I'll probably be deleting that draft soon, because God answered that call just 6 days later. God's got a sense of humor, I'll tell you that.

Syracuse still isn't perfect. I don't think it'll ever become my Denver niche (or maybe it will?), but it's still good. I feel like, if I ever am in tears, I have people to go to. And now, when anyone back home asks me how college is going, I can finally hold a real smile, look them in the eye, and say truthfully, "It's great."

...13 days, 21 hours, 53 minutes, 2 seconds. And counting...

...fantasy isn't all it's cut out to be (sometimes it's just reality in disguise),
Chen (Summer).

FUCK.

2007-08-15T17:04:00.000-06:00

Why do I always do this to myself? I swear I can't survive a single summer without creating some sort of melodramatic blast into my otherwise-uprighted-again world. I always blow it at the last minute. And now I'm caught in the middle, in too deep, noplace to turn except down. I was really never the type to have 'dirty little secrets'; that was one aspect I never thought could change simply because I am a show-and-tell type of person - I can't hold things in. And now I am in the midst of something that, if people found out about it, a lot of them would end up hating me.
Really, I can only blame myself for walking into these situations. I don't know what to do >___<. And I don't like it.

...Done it again,

chen.

Number the Stars...

2007-08-13T15:01:00.000-06:00

You know something? I'm beginning to like just hanging out a lot more than doing big events that require energy. Maybe it's because I have about a week left before I have to leave for New York and college and all... but I'm finally learning the value of just spending time with friends rather than spending time around friends while doing other things.

I love to be around people. That's all there really is. If I didn't have anyone who I knew loved me and who I loved, I would probably die. I know a lot of people say that, but I think I've always viewed myself as so independent that to finally realize that I need people is almost preposterous. Maybe that frame of mind came from middle school, when I was terribly insecure and so not comfortable being me - or being in my own skin - that I withdrew into myself and said I didn't care about others for fear of being teased. I never expressed that I liked anyone, or that I was worried about my bad grades, or that I didn't like other's comments about my KP. I was afraid to let them in and let others see my weakness(es) or failure(s) because I didn't like myself: therefore, if somebody else other than myself were to voice disgust or dislike, I wouldn't be able to take it.
I hope that makes sense.

Now that I'm content being me, and that I like myself, I'm okay. I like people, I do. I'm still getting over the fact that it's okay to let my hair down once in a while and let people see my silly side, or the side that fails and struggles and gets rejected and cries out in frustration once in a while. I don't always have to be cool and composed. That's Ivo's job. It's going to take me awhile because I'm slow, but eventually I'll be 100% healed. I love you guys! *hugs the people*

Anywho... enough deep stuff. I still have to write about this year's experience at camp, but for now, I want to talk about what I originally started out writing: hanging out with friends.

Date: Sunday, August 12, 2007
Characters: Al, Lei, Tsai, & Me.
Setting: Al & Lei's rooftop
Time of day: Around 9-10 P.M.
Context: We'd just gotten back from dinner at Cafe Sky.
Mood Music: Xing Qing - Jay Chou
Activity: Taking pictures. Laughing. Listening to crickets. Stargazing. Laughing. Laughing. Talking. Singing. Balancing on the roof. BLaughing.

I don't know, it was... one of those scenes you always see Cali teenagers doing in the movies, but you don't really do in reality because, well, it's not realistic and it doesn't always seem 'fun' to the average, hyped-up teen. But really, it was one of the best times I've had in the whole summer. I loved it. Al brought his laptop so we could listen to music - mostly Jay Chou, esp. the song I have in 'mood music'. It was perfect. Whenever I hear that song now, I'll think about that night.
But I think the soundtrack to my life is the sounds of my friends' laughter. I can't even accurately describe how I was feeling... content? Greater than that. Just, it was bigger than words.
They say pictures are worth a thousand words, so here are a few I've edited:

1. This was before the roof, when we were eating dinner at Cafe Sky, a Korean restaurant. I didn't eat that much, but Al and Tsai ate like 6 bowls of rice! It was crazy.
2. We made a love sign with our hands. :) I love this picture; it's so artsy.
3. We were trying to do the Meteor Garden pose, except it took Al forever to figure out where to set the camera to take a picture of all of us. Since it was so dark outside, me and Lei had to test out the first two pictures just so he could see the frame.

It's our feet. :) It didn't turn out too well; I was trying my best to take a picture and put my foot in it at the same time.

We got it! The Meteor Garden pose, I mean. I just edited it a little to make it look more starry and awesome.

I think that's all I really need to say... I love you guys. Hugs all around - again! I haven't left yet, but I can't wait until we're reunited again in December.

"The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love, and be loved in return."
--Toulouse-Latrec, Moulin Rouge

& The stars are endless,
chen.

sugar and spice...

2007-07-17T15:01:00.001-06:00

I think my friends and I are characters from Sex & the City (my absolute favorite show... well, one of them).

---

Carrie Bradshaw: Daren Fischer

Samantha Jones: Lissa Brandl

Miranda Hobbes: Meichen Yu

Charlotte York: Alejandra Venancio

In other news, I think I'm going to bake myself some treats.

Clockwise from top left: pink meringue drops, dried cranberry shortbread hearts, meringue heart ice-cream sandwiches, and valentine's day cake. mmm.

...and everything nice,

Chen.

A Penny for Your Thoughts...

2007-07-03T15:00:00.000-06:00

Maybe high school wasn't all that bad, after all.

Random Memory/ies:
1. Shopping hookey!
It was sometime around March, and Daren and I decided to go to lunch with Louise and Anna. I drove, and I think we went to... Mad Green's for lunch? No wait, that was the day that Daren & I took a separate car and ended up at Barnes & Noble instead of 6th because of a stupid traffic light...
Oh wait, that's right, that day we went to Noodles & Co. for lunch. I remember because I got the trio and spent a freaking $7.51 on it for penne rosa, caesar salad, and grilled chicken. We started talking about really R topics like co-ed bathrooms and nasty boys and shiet, and of course we were laughing and snark-snark-snarking really really loudly, and there were mothers-and-tots all around us and I think they were getting really offended. (Oops.)
After that, we were driving back to school and talking-and-giggling more about co-ed bathrooms and how horrible they could be, and by the time our school was in sight, somebody was like "we're gonna be so late, and Guggy's gonna be pissed..." and then somebody else said "why go to 5th at all?" so they told me to pull into the turn lane and I did.
Where to? Why, Target of course. Despite our broke-ness, we tried on a bunch of clothes at Target and stood in the changing rooms laughing at how outrageous some of the outfits were on us. I think Anna ended up buying a shirt and I did too cuz it was on clearance, and then Louise and I split a softlips raspberry green tea double pack, and Anna got some other stuff and Daren got Carmex, ahaha.
And then we headed to the mall. Fo sho! Cuz we wanted to try on prom dresses. So we hit up Macy's and we each had like 10 prom dresses to try on, and we got the really big changing room stall for all of us to fit into. And again, there was laughter about how some of the dresses didn't even fit/made us look like a ho/were just ugly in general. Daren took lots of pictures of all the dresses we tried on, but they're on her old phone.
And then we went back in time for 8th period, but I didn't have an 8th period, so I just went home :). What a perfect ending to a great day, eh? And on top of it all I think it was a Friday, which was just great. AH, shopping buddies. ^_^
2. Bonnie Brae? I think so.
This was yet another day, I think in April this time, where we (me, Daren, Louise, Anna) went to lunch with James (& Taryn, Cassie, Nakoia, Jackie, & Tyne) because he had driven his sister's Mitsubishi Eclipse convertible to school and it was damn sexy. We went to Noodles & Co. again (why do all things great start with Noodles & Co.?) but this time I didn't have any money so I just sort of sat and mooched off of people. After we pulled into the parking lot Louise pulled out her Free Ben & Jerry's card, and we were just like "LETS GET ICE CREAM!" so Daren & I piled into James's convertible while Louise and Anna took her car cuz there wasn't enough room :(. James like pumped the bass wayyyyy up and turned on some sort of gangsta rap... ahaha. We passed the junior parking lot on our way there, and while stopped at a red light we saw Conner, Austen, and Peter walking aimlessly around and we were like "GET IN!!" so Austen like flies around the car and hops the top of the convertible and Conner and Peter get into Anna's car. My hair was flying EVERYWHERE!
And I was soo hyper that day, so I was acting like a nut (what else is new, really?). So we ended up going to Bonnie Brae instead, but I was like "oh great, now I have about a dollar to spend" so Austen said he'd pay for me (three cheers for nice guys!) and then we saw Katie Cearley there and we just hung around outside eating ice cream. Mmm.

Dream:
So it's not often that I have just-great dreams where everything is just awesome. But a couple of weeks back I had one about, er, unnamed guy - let's call him * xDD. We were at my house, and I was playing piano or something for him because he wanted to hear me play. It was one of those really nice, gray-days where it's just drizzling lightly outside and the sun is trying to come out so it's sort of a dewy glow, you know? And after a while I got tired of sitting at the piano bench so I went over to sit by him on the couch. I don't know the flirting that led to it (only that it was really good), but somehow I started playing with *'s hair, just like stroking it and running my fingers through it and stuff. And then he sort of reached up and grabbed my hand, and then there was a lonnnnng moment where we just had (EYE SEX! jk) that intense stare that happens right before you just know something more will happen, you know? And then one thing led to another and he was kissing me ^^. And then I woke up all happy, cuz I was like "AIYA I'M DATING *!!!" and then after another moment, thankfully this time where it didn't lead to me actually looking through my phone for any signs of him, I sort of realized it was just a dream and was like "dang it!"

Rat-patootie, Nosh, & Club-club-clubbiiiing:

Of course I got woken up by Alex who just got back in town and wanted to hang out. So everyone called everyone and eventually, me, Daren, Claire, & Alex decided to go see Ratatouille at 3:45. At first it was just like "yea let's just go see a movie, aight? Yea, cool, we'll chill." So we met up at the theatre (Daren & I split a Sour Patch Kids again, like always) and it was SUCH A GOOD MOVIE! I was expecting to be somewhat disappointed by it, but it was so, so good. As was the short before it (you know how they always do those really short animated films right before? This one was GENIUS). Ratatouille lived up to alllllll the expectations that any Disney/Pixar films have.
-"ALITTLECHEFTELLSMEWHATTODO. He's up here. *taps temple*"
"...in your brain."
-"Why name it ratatouille? I mean, it sounds like rat... and patootie. Ratpatootie. Doesn't sound so appetizing."
-"NO! WE WERE GOING TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD WITH GUSTEAU AND SELL A MILLION BURRITOS!"
-"Ahhhhhh! Ahhhhhhh!!!! AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!"
-"I have a little, tiny.... a LITTLE. LITTLE..."
*pulls out pepper spray slowly*
Anywhoo, after that we were like "lets get ice cream... Mmm, gelato..." so we went to Claire's house where we commenced to gossip first and then get ice cream when the sun & heat went down a little. I got a double scoop of black cherry and it was another the sex, though not as the sex-y as raspberry. After that, Daren had to leave, but someone had brought up clubbing a little before that, and Claire, Alex, and I were just like "d'you guys... wanna go? Let's go!"
So Claire and I went back to her house where I commenced to shower while Alex dropped by her own house to get more makeup, clothes for me & her (because my house is too far away to drop by), etc. And then we got supercute-ified, and hit Vinyl at around 11.
The structure of it is, from top-to-bottom floor: open-sky cabana-like bikini party; bar; more-refined bar & lounge; techo and trance floor; hip-hop and rap floor. So since none of us knew how to rave, we stayed in the basement the whole time basically (well, in bursts of like 30 minutes because we had to leave to get air a lot). That was depressing, because that floor was where all the hispanic perverts were, unlike the techno&trance floor, where all the hot asians and white guys were v_v. Claire got some serious action, man. Every time we re-entered from getting air, some guy would immediately latch on to her, right away. After a while other guys would try me and Alex too, but being as hispanic pervs don't do it for me and Alex has Josh, we decided to pretend to be lesbians all night to fend them off. Which didn't work so well, as in the case of my hearing some retard go:
"Hey dude, they're lesbians, look! That's so hot!"
We ended up having to either discreetly move, or stop dancing and hug each other, or just outright tell them no all night long. Claire, on the other hand, got her share of perverts, old and young alike, including one Asian-who-shames-all-other-Asians who would NOT leave her alone even when we politely made our leave (my ass he was only 23). And this once when we were sitting in the hallway, these guys kept coming up to us and asking if we liked CARS of all things to start conversation. I was like, please, just do yourself a favor, shut the eff up, and leave.
But it was really fun. We left at around 1:40. I got home at, like, 3, went to bed at 4, and had to get up at 8 to go to church. =_=

I get four pennies, right?

...but thoughts are priceless,
chen.

Boys of Summer...

2007-05-30T15:05:00.000-06:00

It's been a while since I've last updated, and I think it's because I know that every time I post on here, it's long. And I've just been too lazy to do that. And now, the very thing I was scared of, high school is over, and it's the beginning of a new life I guess. I'm scared silly. But I have to take it all on full stride, and I think I'll be okay.
Just to remember things for when I'm old and have Alzheimer's (oh God I hope that never strikes me) I'm going to do a list of all the important things of the year 2007 since January. Because I think I've said this before, I like lists.

1. Turning legal. Yes, that's right, I am now finally 18. I don't think, besides being able to go into stores like Fascinations without getting kicked out for being a naughty little underage pervert (not that I'd ever pay that store a visit more than once... there are some weird, weird things in there) and being able to vote and being able apply for jobs anywhere and not having to have your parents sign annoying things like permissions slips and being able to just have the sheer fun of saying you're 18, that it's all that it's cracked up to be. (Did that sentence even make sense? Say it to yourself a few times over.) I mean, I guess it's cool because 18 sounds so much older than 17, and now you're allowed to date anybody you want, and go clubbing too without having to have fake ID's, and... okay, I guess being 18 is cool.
But I'm still not able to drink legally (not that that ever bothered [or stopped] anyone....). Haha, just joshin'. Anyway, I think the point is that I don't view myself any differently unless I'm faced with signing permission slips or am standing in line to vote or some nonsense like that, so I guess I don't think it's that big of a deal. I mean, I'm still a teenager. I still forget that I'm not 10 years old anymore.
And sometimes, I go into deep denial because I just want to be a kid again. I don't want to grow up and face being independent and all the other responsibilities that the number 18 carries with it. For the first time in my life and for the rest of my life, I can't depend on my parents anymore. I am my own person. An adult. And I don't want to be. I know all of us always tell our parents to back off and we wish we could just live on our own and call our own shots in life, but when it comes down to it, I'm used to having mama and baba to fall back on when I'm stuck. And now that I have to do everything myself, I kind of just want to throw a 3-year-old-worthy tantrum and tell the age-god "NO!!!!!"
So on the one hand, sure I get to go anywhere I want and dance the night away at Vinyl and buy a strawberry flavored life-sized dildo lollipop if I want to, but I also have to stop hiding behind mama's skirts, shed my training wheels (not the most appropriate analogy as I still don't know how to ride a bike) and declare myself independent (do I get a flag?). And that's scary.
It'll take some time to adjust to, but I guess I'll grow into it sooner or later. At least when I'm 21. Then there are whole other issues to deal with. Like drinking.
My birthday itself was pretty cool. I mean, I didn't hold an uberparty or anything; Alex, Daren, and I just went to Outback-which-turned-into-Carrabas for a nice lunch even though the waiter didn't know what the heck gelato was, despite it being advertised on the window. I think the highlight of it was getting my ears double-pierced at Freaky's (exercising my independence, whee), one of the most terrifying experiences of my life because apparently I'm a 'bleeder' (my left ear started bleeding a lot and the piercer... piercist?... went 'oh shiet' - not a good sign) or the fact that Alex got me a signed Cristiano Ronaldo photo. Anyways, it passed by kind of humdrum-like, but it was nice. It would've been nice to throw a huge party and get tons of presents and... I don't know, crowd surf or something, but there's a time to party and there's a time to just sit back and mellow-ize, and when it comes down to it, I preferred to enjoy two of my best friends' company for my last birthday together instead of dankfesting my brain into oblivion.

2. Prom, graduation, and all that jazz that comes with it. Yea... it's all over.
Prom: Prom has always been this fairytale that every girl dreams about since the age of three, along with getting married, buying a pony, and being the pink power ranger. I think I idealized it into something it was never supposed to be, just because I'm such an extreme daydreamer and I always picture my life in the future to be perfect. But my reality has always been sort of distorted from the reality you see on T.V. or read in teen romance novels, and so it turned out to be very different from what I imagined. For one thing, I became way too caught up in the date aspect; Prom was just something I always thought I needed a good strong male arm to hang onto to. I mean, I don't care about going stag to anything except Prom. So there was a bit of a panic moment when my backup date found a girlfriend, and then my other option had issues with his girlfriend, and I actually thought I'd have to go alone, which was just basically unthinkable. So when I finally gave up and then the very next instant one of my great guy friends I'd completely forgotten about asked me, I was really blown away. That goes to say I should just stop worrying and leave it up to the greater powers.
Anyway, I think the most exciting thing was getting ready. That was half the fun. I mean, I got a vintage champagne-peach-pink customized ball gown and matching shoes in China the summer before for about $60 (everything's better made in China) so I was already pumped up in August. Daren and I got our hair and makeup done in Allure Salon together the day of, and there was a another panic attack when the hairstylist and makeup artist turned me around and my hair was too afro-like and my makeup made me look like a raccoon, but thank god they were experts and fixed it so I looked somewhat like I always dreamed I'd look at prom. Then of course I was late picking up Patrick, and meeting at Claire's house, then rushing over to Cranmer Park for pictures with our 21-person group, but it all turned out okay despite the fact that I was somewhat out of breath until dinner. It was disappointing we didn't get on top of getting a limo, but I guess I can just save that for, I don't know, my wedding, or when I finally become a top VJ. (Haha.) Dinner at Via was just absolutely perfect. Seriously, you know when you go to those restaurants and the stuff you order isn't the best, and you really don't like it, but you have to pretend to anyways? Well except for my salad, it didn't end up like that. I loved the rigatoni, and the raspberry napoleon for dessert, and the fact that we got a whole back room to ourselves, and that Patrick paid for me xDD.
I think the only disappointing thing of the night was prom itself. Weird, eh? But it was at a really ghetto place (Wings over the Rockies - an airplane museum), we got there at 10 and it ended at 11 (retarded), the DJ was really cocky and played music I didn't really recognize (but I dance my ass off anyways) and the decorations absolutely sucked. Oh well, me and my digital camera and the crowds of friends had fun. Everybody looked so gorgeous, we could've all landed in Vogue if there were cover agents there. So despite it being a bit short and disappointing, it was still very ethereal and fairy-tale like. Too bad Jerrome didn't get to see me because he didn't even show! Oh well, you can't get everything you wish for in life.
We dropped by Heather's house to change and eat and play ping-pong, and then afterprom was at Boondocks. I almost wish I could've worn my prom dress longer even though it was a bit suffocating cuz it was so hot, but ah well. Boondocks was so, so fun. We mini-golfed (even though I basically blew at it and ended up cheating for part of the way) and cheated at the arcade games to get tickets (hahaha us and our bright ideas) which we spent on candy and temp tattoos and these inflatable 'POW!' boxing gloves and go-karted until 4:40 A.M. Go-karts were the best. I got pretty good at beating people, even though I wasn't crazy-competitive even though I did want to kill that one mexican guy who kept acting all smug every time he tried to pass me (I satisfied myself with one or two good rams into his bumper). Driving back to Taryn's house, she got pulled over for speeding (we'll laugh about it one day) and then we seriously just passed out in her basement. I had the greatest dream, too. The next morning we had a laid-back breakfast and then I went home to a nice, hot shower. Perfect way to finish it off.
Graduation: Graduation is something I never thought would happen to me. Either I'd die before it, or some big catastrophe would happen and they'd cancel that tradition so we'd just go straight to college, or they'd tell us "oh, yea, sorry, y'all are repeating senior year again!". I mean, even in my serious daydreams that range everything from making up new ice cream flavors to meeting Antonio Banderas, I never even got close to the part where I graduated. Graduation is something that happens to people who grow up, I thought, not to me.
Yea, well, it happened. And though I had a Spanish IB Exam 2 hours prior and everything was sort of rushed and it was raining like, serious cats and dogs ("my teachers always said it'd be a rainy day when I graduated... haha") and our class can't follow directions and the administration doesn't know the meaning of organized and people are rude as hell and the speeches were long and endless and our robes were a really ugly shiny green, it was pretty cool. It was so surreal when I walked up on that platform and they announced my name and I started shaking random people's hands. People were crying that night, and I supposed I should have been as well because, I mean, it's all over, but all I could think of was how happy I was. I mean, I made it through 14 years of schooling and now I'm off to try something else, to pursue my dreams. And I'm out of IB!!!
The day after that I was filling out job applications and there was a question that read "have you graduated from high school?" I got all smug and was all "hehehe" as I checked that box.
Now there are graduation parties until about the year 2009. I had to go to 3 parties in one day once. It's been everything from pirate-themed dankfests to bouncing castles in the backyard to barbeques with the best wings in the world to midnight Pirates party downtown (which was an awesome movie btw, even though there were some parts where I think the producers were on acid to have seriously included that in the movie) to pool parties when it's raining. I was kind of thinking about having one (I mean, after all, presents) but I decided to cut my poor parents some slack and skip out on that one. I mean, Syracuse is eating up our money. It'd do to save for once.
As I leave these graduation parties, I don't even think about the fact that I'm never going to see some of these people again. That's kind of scary. But I guess we've all played out our roles in each other's lives and now it's somebody else's turn. I regret that I didn't get to know a lot of people till this year, or not even, or that I'm letting old friendships drift away, but that just means we'll just have to keep in touch in college. And I suck at that by the way, so I'll have to buck up and do it starting fall so there's no awkward re-meeting each other ten years later at the reunion.

3. CQuad 07, our Asian family, and church. I've had my Asian church family since the age of 3, and I fluctuate between wanting to conglomerate everyone into one house so we can all live together and wanting to send them all back to China so I can forget about those freaks. I think right before CQuad, I was rather in the latter mood, just because I was in one of those 'I hate chinky Asians and I'd rather die by drowning in a vat of oil than go to this God conference thing' stages (nobody probably has those moods except me - I'll blame it on PMS).
But since I'm wrong about everything, I'm so glad I had nothing better to do on one Friday night than be forced to go to CCU with my parents and pay a visit to the youth program of CQuad. Aiya. What can I say? If anything, I love my China family again. Unfortunately, it wasn't really a faith-based experience in which my spiritual fire was doused with another ton of gasoline or even a mountain of peat, but it was more of a friendship bonding experience and I'm glad for that. I mean, we (by we I mean me, Flo, Ann, Jeff, Jack, Jackjack, Al, Dave, Allen, [Sarah, Bowen, and Leah]) practically did live together for four days. We were always hanging out at Dave's house playing guitar hero or eating zhong zi [Chinese tamales] or almost dying on his trampoline or practicing my dismal frisbee skills or watching Jack teach Ann how to drive stick or just fooling around outside the conference center taking pictures and waiting for Jack to finish his counselor meetings. (We have the 234875046895234761098 pictures to prove it).
Plus, it wasn't a complete waste since the Cali boys were pretty much the awesomest worship team in the universe. These four boys, Sam, Moses, Brian, and Allan, ranging from 18-21 in age, from New Life church in California flew down to Denver with their youth speaker to guest star as the worship team and like I said, they were awesome. Not only did practically all the young girls get ubercrushes on Sam, Moses, and Brian because yea, those three weren't too bad looking x) (my sister is living proof), they worked really well together and could seriously sign a record label if they tried. [Did I mention Allan is Vanness Wu's cousin from F4? *starstruck*]

<--Vanness

Anyway, they were really big motivation for me to step our own worship team up because even though I know we're not supposed to compare and all since all this stuff about God not caring what we sound like, but compared to them we're in elementary form.
The last night, we all went out for wings. Unfortunately I sat on the other end of the table from them so I didn't really get to talk with them and all, but they were really, really down-to-earth, nice guys (Sam actually went to Agape with Al) and hopefully they'll visit CO again soon. I'm disappointed they weren't invited to Camp Xroads instead of CQuad, because in CQuad you just saw them on stage really, whereas in camp, we would've really gotten to know each other, but you take what you get in life, and I'm just glad I got to meet them.

4. Syracuse University. Yea, I got in. There's really not much to say except I'm excited and scared at the same time (and a bit disgruntled about the snowy weather T-T). I'm double-majoring in Journalism and Psychology, except I might switch it to just a minor in psych. Move-in day is August 23rd, and it's hard to realize that I have about 3 months left with my family, my friends, and my life here in Denver. I almost got cold feet and switched to CU instead (hey, perk, Troy Ruiz is there!! =p) but I decided that if I ever wanted to live up to the age of 18 and become an adult, I had to do it. So I'm going. Watch out, world.

This has taken me about 2 hours to post, and no wonder - look at all that text! *falls over*
I always think my life is nothing short of boring until I write it all down and realize I'm never not doing anything. And those are just the really important events too, not including all the drama that went on this year (both on and off the stage) and all the struggles with IB and friends and siblings and splurging of money at Unity boutique.

I don't know when the next time I'll post again, so I'll sign off now by saying, wherever life takes me next, I am well and ready to face it... like a... like a... I can't think of an analogy.
But right now, I'm just going to sit back and laze around and enjoy summer and do things that don't involve a lot of thinking. After all, that's what college is for. *_*

...and girls of summer too,
Chen.

'007.

2007-01-01T15:32:00.000-07:00

HAPPY NEW YEARS, EVERYBODY! Make 2007 your best year yet. I know I will - graduation and all. I have big plans.

I heart Howl's Moving Castle; especially Howl. My reaction to first seeing him on screen was ridiculous. It's on my birthday list. ;)

THE BIRTHDAY LIST!:
Threadless Tee gift cards [Daren has dibs]
Howl's Moving Castle on DVD [Claire has dibs]
Anything to do with Cristiano Ronaldo [Alex has dibs, more is welcome!]
Vienna Teng Sheet Music
including Gravity & Harbor, purchase @ viennateng.com
Department store gift cards
only Forever21, PacSun, Old Navy, AE, Wet Seal, & Ulta please
Calvin Klein Pure Poison [Christian owes me]
Sex & The City: Boxed DVD Collector's Set [QQ/Tivo/Wayne have dibs]
Fruits Basket Manga volumes 8-14
Wet Seal slouchy suede boots [Tivo/Wayne have dibs]
Wet Seal Deep V Kanga Hoodie
Hatsuharu Sohma plushie doll
Bright Eyes CD [Bowen has dibs]
Harajuku Lovers 'I'm Just an Orange County Girl' cloth purse [Psst... Amelia!]
PostSecret's new book: The Secret Lives of Men and Women
Jerrome Millard (the hot guy in the library) minus his kid
more will be added on later.

Howl is quite literally a [sexy] beast<3,
Chen

Life as a roller-coaster

2006-12-13T22:41:00.000-07:00

Well, hello.

It certainly has been a while. And a lot has happened. I like making lists so... list!

1. AS YOU LIKE IT. This is possibly one of the best things that's happened to me in.... well, a long time. I am so glad I was a part of it, especially because when I originally auditioned, I didn't really care for it because it was Shakespeare, I don't comprehend Shakespeare, and frankly, I didn't think I was going to get in - or at least get a big part, anyway. I was truthfully vying for a chorus role, but at one point I remember thinking, "Now wouldn't it be cool if I got a big enough role to be remembered?" And look how things work out. Fate is an odd thing. Or if fate doesn't exist, chance is the odd one.
Anyway. I don't think I've ever loved a show as much as I loved this one - except quite possibly Eleemosynary, but as much as that show impacted me as a person and a writer, I wasn't in that one. This one was just an ethereal, once-in-a-lifetime experience that I don't think I'll ever have again. The acting was brilliant, really pushed my limits, more than once made me cry and feel like dirt and wish I wasn't in it, but in the end, I'm glad I went through it. I would stand on stage every night and feel unworthy of acting in the company of such great actors and actresses. At times I had self-doubts, and really didn't know if I deserved to be up there or if the directors made a mistake in casting me, but I'm really glad with the end result. And the people were just lovely. I loved getting reacquainted with old elementary-school buddies that I never really talked to, or getting to know people I've been 'sort-of-friends' with all throughout high school better, or getting closer to my already good friends. On days we didn't have rehearsal, we'd sit there on the stage anyway, talking and bonding and complaining and eating and sleeping together (not like that, perverts). As You Like It holds a special place in my heart. I am so glad that whatever made me audition that day, well, made me do it. Because it seriously was one of the best times of my life. And I want to thank Shakespeare for making it possible, for the directors for believing in me and pushing me hard, for my friends and co-cast-members for guiding me and encouraging me when I quite literally felt like shit, for all the crew members for putting as much heart into it as we did (look at our beautiful set), for the musicians for playing lovely, beautimous music, and for everyone who came and saw it and enjoyed it for what it was. I had a few people ask for my autographs, and more than a few (including classmates!) tell me I was their favorite character.
I'm sad it's all over. There are few times in life you really experience being a part of something greater, of something big and truly incredible. Every night was breathtaking, all over again. I felt so powerful on stage, so much like someone else, so much like I was Celia Frederick (THE FREDERICK FREDERICKS!) Thank you all for making it so special. Thank you all.

2. Car troubles. Either I'm a crappy driver (which I'm not) or my car hates me, or I have the shittiest luck in the whole world with cars. In September, I got a flat tire the third day I got my license. Our spare tire was broken. I stayed in a parking lot of 7-Eleven for three-and-a-half hours. GREAT. In October, I was pulled over for turning left on a residential area on a shortcut to school that my parents always took and never got in trouble for. The one day I'm almost on time for school, and I get pulled over. Plus the cop took forever. Also, in October, some idiot driving in front of me when we were stopped at an intersection gets out of his car and checks his tires, and then his car starts rolling backwards. I have nowhere to go, and it of course bumps into mine. He drives off. Good thing my car has no damage.
Today. I was driving home from musical auditions and on Parker and Florida, I was going straight on southbound Parker and it was a green light, and I was going 45 mph (I checked). As soon as I hit the intersection it turns yellow, and then all of the sudden, this car starts to turn left onto Florida right in front of me. I wasn't distracted in the least, and as soon as I see her I furiously hit my brakes, but it's too late and I hit her on the side. I'm crying on the phone as soon as I call my parents. The first cop was a fairly young man, and he said that there were no arguments and the other driver was totally at fault, and don't worry, I'd be okay with no charges, etc. So then my mood gets sort of better, but then he says we have to wait for state patrol to do inspection, and then the state patrol cop lady gets here and she says I'M AT FAULT partially because I 'should have seen her turn before and braked earlier' because supposedly the other car had already passed 'four lanes of traffic' (there were only 2 lanes, go and see for yourself) so I should have seen her earlier. I got a ticket for 'careless driving'. $58, 2 points if I mail it in in 20 days. What. The. Fuck. I am so pissed off, I can't even tell you.
How the hell was I supposed to 'BRAKE EARLIER'? I slammed the brakes as soon as I saw that lady. Am I constantly supposed to expect people turning left in front of my nose when I have the right-away? And how is that careless driving? I could tell you my speed, I could tell you that it was a green light until I hit the intersection, I wasn't talking on my cell phone, my eyes were on the road.... what the fuck. I am furious beyond furious. Plus my dad got in a huge argument with her and we were there from 6:10 to 9:15 because she wouldn't change her fucking wrong mind. Plus the other lady changed her story for the state patrol cop and said I ran a red light. Outrageous, just damn outrageous. I HATE PEOPLE WHO FUCKING LIE.
And so I guess we're just waiting for the other lady's insurance to see if they'll pay for all the damage, and if not, then well, my parents say we're taking it to court.
This is discrimination. I am so pissed. If you can't tell yet.

3. Friendships, good times, cast party, Skyy. I am soo glad that I've made so many new ones this year! Mostly due to the play. The cast party was pretty much bomb, even though I really don't have any memory of it beyond running back to Emily's house holding hands with Kiri and Devin and giggling and going, "sidewalk, sidewalk, sidewalk, car, car, car, grass, car, sidewalk, eek! house!". The extent of my memory of that night is Stonehenge at school after the play singing songs like Part of Your World and I Will Survive with all the ladies, then going running at anonymous park, then going to Kemily's house for the cast party. At the cast party, I sat on the couch and talked a bit with Daren, then some boys started saying something and then Daren pulled me outside to Lissa's car but she disappeared. So there was Lissa, Haley, Kiri, Raphie, and me, and of course Skyy. It is nasty I tell you, it's like rubbing alcohol. So we had to pull around the block to a corner cuz Emily's neighbor came out and was looking sketch, so we acted like we drove away. And then we had to drive back for chasers, and shot glasses, and then we each had about 2 and then went back in for the boxer contest.
There was some rumor going about the guys wearing thongs this year, so all of us were grossed out, but the senior girls got to sit on the couch this time around! WOOT! I have been looking forward to this all 4 years. So then the contest commenced, and I was feeling a bit dizzy but then I was like this ain't bad. The boys were all wearing boxers, so phew, but then they took off their boxers too and they were wearing Marvel Comics BRIEFS under them and of COURSE they all stuffed! I basically got raped by Nick and Elias.
Skylar won, of course.
And then me, Daren, Chava, Devin, Kiri, and Lissa ran back out to her car and commenced to have more Skyy, and I think I had 5 in total, cuz I didn't feel anything in the car and I thought I could take more, so I did. Root beer saved my life from tasting like rubbing alcohol.
So then Me, Kiri, and Devin did the dialogue mentioned above running back to Kemily's house, and from there, I don't remember much else. This is what I've been told:

-I'm loud, obnoxious, giggly, repetitious, annoying, hilarious, rowdy, insanely cute, have a cute giggle, the polar opposite of my usual self... the list goes on
-I told everyone about 500 times that I had to go to church tomorrow (I kind of remember this... I think...).
-I had a conversation with Josh for awhile about something or other (he won't tell me what), and then I said I wanted and England wristband like his, and he said only if I wore it, and then I said I'd make him a Portugal jersey/wristband? out of rubber bands.
-I played with Pierre and Peter's glasses and told Peter I've always wanted his (?)
-Every time I looked at Ben, who was high off his ass, I giggled.
-Every time I looked at Daren, who was also quite gone, I giggled.
-Every time I looked at just about anybody, I giggled (I do remember giggling a lot).
-To prove I was sober, I commenced to trace people's letterings on their shirt. I did half of Elias's, which was Led Zeppelin's (apparently according to him I wasn't even close); Austen's, which I thought was 'DKNY' but was actually 'Oakland' (I remember that); Jerrod's Batman logo, except he wouldn't let me (I remember that too!); and Josh's, which was 'Spy', and that proceeded to make me giggle and point out to him every 5 minutes that he was a spy and that I was fascinated with it.
-When Alex tried to force-feed me water because it would make me feel better, I went, "I FEEL GREAT!" and threw up my arm and splashed water all over Emily's kitchen. 3 times, because Emily asked how that happened and I reenacted it for her. (WTF! No matter how hard I try I absolutely can't remember this at ALL, but EVERYONE'S been talking about this incident so I can't say they're all lying.)
-Jerrod told me I drank like a noob, so I told him he drank like a Jap, and then he told me his name was Vladimir cuz he drank like a Russian, so I called him Vladimir for a while.
-Joe kept trying to trip me, so once I went insane and started hitting him (again... wtf?! I have no memory of this in the least)
-I was waltzing with Nick at one point? (I kind of remember this, but my memory is of him teaching me to moonwalk...)
-I got halfway through my pizza (I remember eating pizza!) and didn't want it anymore so I started shoving it at people. Then it somehow disappeared (when re-telling this to me, Alex doesn't know what I did with it) and then I started asking where it was.
-Jerrod was trying to make me and Nick hook up because apparently 'Nick would thank him later'. (I have a bone to pick with him about that.)
-I told Jerrod what pecs are supposed to look like.
-Alex told me to place my finger on my nose to prove I was sober, so I did and I managed to place it on my nose, but after a few seconds it would start drifting towards my eye...
-Some conversation I was having with someone, my reasoning for Kiri being good at puzzles was 'because we're Chinese!' (nobody told me this, I remember it, but I don't remember who I was having the conversation with)
-I hugged everyone I saw.
-I think I ate Dem Bones (the candy) - and the candy wrappers - at one point (I remember this too, but I don't remember when I was eating them or where I got them from)
-I talked to somebody on Kiri's phone (I remember this too, but I don't remember what I told them)
-Somebody picked me up to get me to the door on my way home.

So then I remember driving to Lissa's house (IIII didn't drive) because my friends wouldn't let me go home in my state of being (OH! I REMEMBER CALLING MY DAD TO TELL HIM!) and then there were a bunch of people at Lissa's house when we got there and a lady showed us her mastechtomy, and some guy chewed his shoelace, and I told Lissa's mom she was drunk, and then I took a shower and fell asleep at 3:30 at her house. And didn't wake up till laaaaaate. I didn't even go to church.

4. Finals, end of 1st semester Senior Year, the Holiday season. It's been fun, guys. And I should be freaking about finals right about now... but I'm not? Serious senioritis going on. I just... I want to go to college, but I don't. I want to leave, but I don't. I want to start over somewhere where I don't have a clue who anyone is and start afresh with nobody knowing who I am either, somewhere where I can make fabulous new memories and new friends and new loves.... but I don't. I don't want to leave any of the people I've met, and I don't want to give up any of the experiences I've made, especially this year. I've grown so much, and I know it's time for me to move on and go venture on my own in the big bad world, but a part of me just wants to be little again, a little frosh girlie who can make these sacred friendships all over again. I love you guys.
Aand, since you love me too, this is my xmas list!
-anything cristiano ronaldo or portugal national team
-boyslikegirls concert tee
-cute is what we aim for concert tee
-final fantasy 7 (the game, yes)
-clothing items
-gift cards to anywhere
-this shirt (preview below:)

-a hatsuharu sohma stuffed animal
-ck pure poison eau de toilette (christian's getting this for me, I love you!)
-sour starburst, lots and lots of it
-anything harajuku lovers, specifically the 'I'm Just an Orange County girl!' harajuku lovers purse
-digital camera
-eragon tickets

I love you all.
...and I wouldn't have it any other way,
chen.

Oh, I was doing so well.

2006-09-12T10:40:00.000-06:00

I would like to visit you for a while
Get away and out of this city
Maybe I shouldn't have called
but someone had to be the first to break
We can go sit on your back porch
Relax
Talk about anything
It don't matter
I'll be courageous if you can pretend that you've forgiven me

Because I don't know you anymore
I don't recognize this place
The picture frames have changed and so has your name
We don't talk much anymore
We keep running from the pain
But what I wouldn't give to see your face again

Springtime in the city
Always such relief from the winter freeze
The snow was more lonely than cold
If you know what I mean
Everyone's got an agenda, don't stop
Keep that chin up, you'll be all right
Can you believe what a year it's been
Are you still the same?
Has your opinion changed?
'Cause I don't know you anymore
I don't recognize this place
The picture frames have changed and so has your name
We don't talk much anymore
We keep running from these sentences
But what I wouldn't give to see your face again

I know I let you down
Again and again
I know I never really treated you right
I've paid the price
I'm still paying for it every day

So maybe I shouldn't have called
Was it too soon to tell?
Oh what the hell
It doesn't really matter
How do you redefine something that never really had a name?
Has your opinion changed?

Because I don't know you anymore
I don't recognize this place
The picture frames have changed and so has your name
We don't talk much anymore
We keep running from the pain
But what I wouldn't give to see your face again

I see your face
I see your face...

He says that he likes the lyrics. Maybe that's just it.
So this is what people do after you haven't seen them in forever. They change. You hold onto that little idealistic grasp of who they used to be and they won't let you have your way with your own mind, they keep on battering you with who they are now and who you don't want them to be. And then before you know it, they're gone.

This was awhile back, but I felt like reposting it here so I would have another record of it. It's Savage Garden, by the way. The song.

Again and again,
Chen.

And I hope you see, signed sincerely me.

2006-09-05T20:05:00.000-06:00

Hmm. So school... it's not that bad. I think I make it out to be something simply horrible when it's just a sheep in wolf's clothing. I enjoy it at times, it's nice being able to connect to people your age and who share your views. And I also like gaining knowledge, as odd as that sounds. I mean, I'm not up for the workload at all, but I think in the long run it really is good for me (most of it anyways - I still don't know how geometry is going to help me in the least bit as an MTV VJ. Maybe then I can see just how perfectly Cristiano Ronaldo's face matches up to the Golden Ratio).

Today was Daren's 17th birthday, and seeing everyone be all happy and nice and present-givey about it was nice. I think the IB senior class is too sarcastic most of the time, and to see us be all genuinely "yay!" was a good change, though a bit oddly scary.
School also comes with gossip though, and soo much unneeded drama, and the prospect of boys who like you but you don't like back (that's already happened to me. damn.) and boys who you like but who don't like you back (not yet, thank God - and I don't plan for it to happen this year). Maybe that was the real fright of school that scared me over the summer. If that's the case, I say it's not a sheep in wolf's clothing but a real 100 percent wolf who scares the crap out of me because when it comes to Drama, our IB class is pretty good at making it happen. And I don't mean on the stage.

Speaking of the stage, I'm Costume/Makeup Designer for our first show. I was thinking about auditioning but the first play we're doing has a total cast of 3, so I was like "....erm...." and went for crew instead. I don't know why the hell I'm costume designer as I don't even know how to sew. I'm makeup girl! Makeup and only makeup! Come on, man. *Shakes fist* But challenges aren't always bad I guess. Plus Daren's on my crew and I can just dump all the sewing-age on her. Haha. What I don't get is why a FROSH is working under me as costume/makeup head. I plan to discreetly kick her off. (Or maybe not... let's see how good of a mood I'm in these next few weeks). The POINT is, I'm excited to be back on the stage. It's like a second home to me. I never thought I'd be a drama nerd, but I am *shrug* and it's not so bad. Drama is like a cult at our school and once you make friends through drama, it's like, FRIENDS. Set in stone. I still have people who I worked with oNCE last year who still remember me and say hi.
I love dramies. Except I still can't find my $60 character shoes, ARGH.

TAnGENT: Over Labor Day weekend, besides going to Aspen and all, we got high speed internet (which I named Patrick - long story, ask me in person). I was the only one home to figure out all the technical aspects, and I realized I couldn't get our stupid cable connection to work because our location sucks for some reason. So I had to call customer services and the guy who picked up and helped me was really nice. When we were waiting for my slow-as-hell laptop to haul ass and shut down and restart, we started talking - I don't even remember how - and actually had a nice conversation. Amazing how many nice people one doesn't know out there in the world and who you can get to know through a one-time random conversation. They're everywhere - solicitors (though... don't talk to those people), the lady behind you at the checkout, the lawn inspector, and this guy at Comcast. His name is Josh and he lives in Texas and is 21. Everyone I tell is making it out to be some stupid thing its not like he tried to pick me up or the other way around, but good lord, we just talked and were friendly and stuff. He found me on facebook by the way =D. I tried searching for him but there are about 394587340895103948 guys with the name Josh at his school.
---> We also got a PS2 solely for DDR cuz my dad wants us to exercise (....o_O). He's forbidding the purchase of any more games, but I say screw that, I'm getting FIFA StreetPro2. And I'm borrowing Final Fantasy VII again from Tivo. (It was pretty funny watching my mom try to do DDR though.)

Anyway.

I'm excited and scared at the same time for the future. Near future, this weekend is Daren's birthday party thingie at Claire's house [we're going to see Wicker Man, eat gelato, go to Sushi Den, and bake a cake]. But it's the same weekend that we're going to Aspen as a family, so it's kinda sucky that I have to miss out on that. I had to choose between Daren's last birthday with all of us together and our family's outing. I hope I made the right choice. As for the middle-length future, I'm positively dreading October. October is SAT's, early decision apps, teacher recommendations, Extended Essay final drafts, Claire's party [the only good thing] and blah. Homecoming is on the same day as the SAT's. Good god. I hate national standardized testing. If I go to U. of Toronto or Vancouver BC, I won't even need the damn scores. =_= Near future, college. I've been bringing that up a lot, but yea. I can't wait to experience what it's like staking it out on my own and making a start with nobody I know at all. I want to do some serious soul searching and these people are probably the ones who make a lasting impact on me for the rest of my life (not to say that my friends right now don't because they do). I just want to find me, completely stripped of anything and everything else. I'm ready.

Signed,
Sincerely... me.

...why is it everything I post on here ends up being complete and total mush?

An Asian bonding experience.

2006-08-12T10:09:00.000-06:00

Hooray for camp.

I'm glad I went this year. I didn't want to go at first and I was actually planning to not go, but somehow I got blackmailed into going and I'm really happy that I did. It wasn't like every year where I had a huge cry-fest on Monday night and came back with a huge, wavering spiritual high 10 times too big for me to handle. Instead, I gained a sort of foundation upon which I can slowly but steadily build upon. I'm going to take one step at a time this time, and make sure that I get every step of the way right because I can't afford to make mistakes again. There's no more backtracking because I'm tired of going around in religious circles like I have been for my whole life.

I met soo many new people this year. I don't know what held me back from talking to them before, but I really felt like I bonded with a lot of other people from Boulder church/elsewhere?. Not just made superficial, once-a-year-fake-smile friendships, but actual I-heart-you! ones. And yea, I'm probably banking on out of state for college myself, but for the most part I'm glad that most of the new people I met who graduated this year are staying in state (except for Allen and Angela, :( on you both). I just got back from the lock-in at the Boulder Church (which is in Lafayette btw... nothing makes sense.) and hooray for all-nighters. Me and Ann almost got to see the sun rise, we missed it by like a few minutes, but when we went outside the sky was still really pretty. Plus we went to Pho before that and then screwed around at the Bowling place because we didn't want to play so instead we talked and got amused with the really hot soda machine. + I played a load of DDR and watched the 'be a man' scene in Mulan, and this one other kung-fu movie (<--I only got to see the fight scenes in that one cuz all the guys fast forwarded through the other parts). This morning we got bagels and donuts and I'm basically going to die because I'm going back to church for worship practice and then Teddy's taking me and Lei out to Cheesecake Factory. Chen = dead.

But I'm :) that all of us got to work through past differences and bond this year. Friends are the sex. Especially ones which you've lived with and run through the rain screaming with and posed fobby poses with and wrote warm fuzzies to and ate 3 meals a day with. Haha. xD I don't want school to start. I wish we could just stay up in the mountains at Camp Elim forever (with better living conditions because our cabin was beyond gross). Minus the 29348709218392180487 mosquitos, roaches, moths, and spiders, I'd be the first to pack up my stuff and move there.

Ending shpiel (sp?), I am really really really uber glad that whoever blackmailed me into going to camp did. Because without it I wouldn't have what I have now.

Conclusion and moral of the story: I don't want school to start. School is the devil.

Tired!,
Chen

maybe I'll just sing about it.

2006-07-24T22:00:00.000-06:00

China was all I wanted and more. It exceeded expectations; I did everything I wanted to except get the horrid popular haircut all the girls are sporting over there. It's kind of a refined, afro-mullet that looks as though a porcupine died on your head. Now I know why I don't like Chinese guys: it's because all the ones they send over to America are ugly. All the attractive Chinese men are in China. Which is where they're supposed to be, I suppose, but it'd be nice if they sent one over to me as a present (like my hot hairstylist, or maybe the hot guy getting his hair cut diagonal from me). My only regret is that I didn't go shopping more (even though I went at least once a week >.>) and maybe that Tai Hu in Wu Xi stunk, and we went on the hottest day in the universe so we didn't get to explore much, or maybe that I didn't spend the 1000 RMB my grandparents gave me. Ah, whatever. I heart China. It was exactly the vacation I needed and wanted, good for my body and mind and soul. It's weird, but sometimes I really do just need a certain degree of isolation from the modern world of America, and I need to go somewhere and re-connect with my family. We don't do that often, so it was nice to do it. Plus, I realized just how absolutely FABULOUS my extended family is. I could write on and on about how crazy my uncles are [when they're drunk and sober] and how much my aunts spoil me [she's rich] and how I got to ride in a BMW for the wedding procession [it was wicked] and how my cousins really, really do appreciate me and love me and how it was just nice to know and recognize that since we only get to see them once every other year [I tried quizzing them on English] but it's all up here *taps head*. And that's where I keep the most cherished information because there's not enough words to describe it, or the appropriate ones even.

After the family bit, I came back and it's been non-stop friend time since then. My schedule's been a little hectic; I'm rarely home and when I am I'm doing something. I was always complaining about how I'm bored and need to get out of the house, but when I started writing in my diary and making the schedule so I'd remember what I'd done on what day, I was like "....I'm never at home." It's been stressing to always get to places and have much money after China and plan things and execute them smoothly, but it's been fun. I hear about all these wild parties and I decided that while it would have been all right to go, I'd rather just spend time with closer friends, it being the last year and all. College is on the mind and I'd rather not think about it, but it's hard when you're looking at college books and making lists of colleges to apply to and writing down scholarships you're eligible for and visiting colleges and talking about the future. It's hard when all I want to do is lay it all away for a few and just relax. But I spose that was what China was for. And so I guess I have to love my friends while we're still all together. I really hope we go on the cruise next summer before we're all parted, because as much as we want to be, we're probably not going to go to the same state. (This is sentimental mush.)

[<-- Two of my favorite players! Plus Simao.] On another note, World Cup is definitely my new obsession. I've never been an avid sports fan for ANY sport, and I don't particularly care for them, but since it's so big in China, I started watching World Cup Germany 2006 and got hooked. I liked it in 2002 as well, but I never really got passionate about it until this year. Portugal is my team. I claim them. I love everybody on it [except possibly Miguel who can't do anything to save his life] and they just work so well together [even if they are a bit violent - look at the game vs. Netherlands. But even that's not a fair argument because people seem to single Portugal out as being violent, and then all of the sudden everybody's noticing every foul they get, when really it's not more than the other teams]. I just love soccer [football, really; America's just stupid because we have to be 'different' and call it soccer just like we use inches and feet instead of centimeters and fahrenheit instead of celsius] because there's a sense of unity on the teams. When a player falls over, the guy who knocked him down helps him up and apologizes. When a team loses, the men will cry on the feild, and everyone else will hug him. When one player's dad died, the opposing team got him flowers to console him. The team captains switch jerseys after the game. You just don't see that in other sports, where people there are just angry and display unmerited violence. I just... professional soccer is the sex. I found myself decking myself out in Portuguese colors and it was all I could do but stop myself from painting my face, shaving my head, and dying my scalp red, green, and yellow. Alex knows what I'm talking about.

I particularly glomp Cristiano Ronaldo [#17]. He is such a cute cute cute guy, and I love love love him. I think he's one of the first guys I admired for talent even before I knew how he looked. I first saw him in the match against Iran, and I was like "Oh wow, this guy is really really good!" So I started watching him on the feild after that and then after he shot the 80th minute winning penalty for Portugal, they showed a close-up of him and I was like "OH MY GOD HE'S REALLY GOOD LOOKING!" He's Gillette's Best Young Player of the Year, and everybody was talking about him. Yea, he's Portugal's poster boy, and his footwork is AMAZING and he has got talent, even though it was rare for him to show it since the opposing team, if they were smart, always had two or three guys flagging him down whenever he got the ball for fear of him doing something incredible, as he tends to do. He is a drama queen, I'll admit, and very Hollywood, but if you think about it, the guy does what he has to do to win, including diving [but he does it no more than everyone else does and when people rat him out for it I just get pissed because everyone else is doing it too, not just him dammit] and people always foul him for nothing so you can't blame the guy for getting ticked off. Everyone's like "oh em gee, C. Ronaldo's such a tantrum hothead and he gets so pissed off when they foul him and he takes it to heart and blah blah blah diva blah" but they forget that they have this mindset of him being melodramatic stuck in their heads, and then whenever someone commits a serious foul against him they just brush it off because it's just the little drama-queen acting up again. Once, when C. Ron had the ball and almost had it to the goal, a guy from France team ran over, with no intention of even getting the ball, and just literally tackled him--like, knocked him over so he went flying--in the goal box, no less. And they didn't even foul the kid. I was screaming my head off--partially because the ref also sucked during that round. And then there was the whole drama with Rooney, and once again, it WAS NOT C. RON'S FAULT THAT ROONEY GOT SENT OFF. HE was the one who stepped on Carvalho's groin, and the ref was going to give him a red card based off of that ANYWAY, NOT because C. Ron was screaming at him and Rooney shoved him. Angryism England fans took it into their heads to boo C. Ron every time he got hold of the ball the next 2 games. It was like, "SHUT UP AND GET THE FUCK OVER IT." That makes me so angry [even though sometimes he plays for a foul just to see if he can get it - but he's not the only one who does it, again]. ANYWAY, he's an all around attractive man, and his English is sooo cute because he's got a thick Portuguese accent: not enough for you to not understand what he's saying, but enough to make him sound exotic and have a lot of grammar flaws [i.e. "We wait for see"]. I love him. I even got his jersey xDD. [and a poster.]

Anyway, this summer has been going quite well. I'm reading a lot of books, going places, meeting people, obsessing over things [speaking of, the customer service guy at King Soopers is soooo hot. His name is Patrick. I wanted to talk to him or something, but wtf do you say to a guy who works at King Soopers? I'll wait and see.], hanging out with friends, sleeping till noon [no lie], writing my heart out, coming out of my shell, trying new things, becoming more independent, and, I guess, just living. This is nice.

And I will just sing about it,
chen

...and I shall jump over the moon.

2006-05-17T19:02:00.000-06:00

It's beginning to feel like summer. I don't know how to get my mind out of China and I wish it was 8 days later and I was already on United Airlines, well over the moon on the way there. Times like these jet planes really do come in handy.
I'm looking forward to so much there, and I hope it lives up to my expectations. I want to relax, and shop till I drop, and sight-see, and lay around the house watching Chinese T.V., and eat genuine Chinese in the crazy five-star restaurants, and pull of this bridesmaid thing, and take model glamour pictures and feel like a model, and get my ipod fixed or replaced, and dye my hair, and hook up with my so called fiance according to my mom and teach this naive little cute boy a thing or two about girls, and play computer games with my cousins, and laugh with my drunk uncles until they pass out and I get the rest of the wine. I just want to relax, and jump around with family screaming at the sheer joy of being in my cousin's wedding at the same time. Oh China, please don't let me down. This is the last time my whole family goes together.

In the meantime, exams ended for me today [school let out on may 3 but we still had to take a spanish oral and an english oral and philosophy exams] which is exciting, but it was actually nice to see people and not feel so isolated. i know, that sounds pretty loserish, but i'm sad the philosophy exams are over cuz I got to chill with all the IB juniors again ^___^. plus the exams were easy even though they were really long and we started late both times because yesterday nick forgot to pick up ben and alex wilson got confused and left, and today emily didn't come because she thought the exam was at noon instead of 7 AM. Now I'm trying to type up my damn extended essay and get past the introduction. I don't know where to go with it from here. It's so stressing and I want half of it done by Friday, which I really hope will happen. I guess with my sense of procrastination, though, it won't. >.>;;

Then I couldn't find a dress for banquet at all the stores by my house so I guess I'm just either wearing the gold strapless dress or the black dress that I wore last year to homecoming [when I had a date.. who was Nick.. so I guess he didn't really count.. haha, jay kay]. I dunno, it's almost full-length, and I like it and I already have the shoes to match and stuff, and I already know how I want to do my hair. With the gold one we'd have to add tulle to the bottom because it's kind of short. Plus it itches, so I'd probably have to wear something inside. >.<

I've been thinking the past two days, and I've had a revelation. I've fallen in love with a one-dimensional person. I don't know if he's worth it - probably not. But it's far too late to turn back now, I guess. He's already gouged himself into my heart and it's too deep for me to cut him out. There's nothing for me to do except push forward and see where life takes me. I wonder when this part of my life gets crumpled and thrown into the paper shredder so I can finally start fresh. [It's just like me to envision my life like a writer would. I write too much.]

And as for the other two relationships, I have the upper hand. I think I'm enjoying the deliciousness of it all. For once, I like being the levelheaded, cool and composed one instead of the one who's freaking out because he didn't call or say something I wanted him to say. I could get used to this.

Back to the grind of writing. Mao Zedong is just not doing it for me today. Boys should not be bothered with until you know what you're doing. I agree with a long-lost quote that Topanga from Boy Meets World once upon a fairy-tale time said: Boys should be kept underground and only be used for breeding purposes. But you get to choose who you get, of course.

cordial[ly] cherry yours,
chen

I believe...

2006-04-26T22:11:00.000-06:00

...apple soda is the king of them all
...in the false belief that i will never be fatter than i am now
...in small, every-day miracles
...mulan wasn't attractive
...in procrastination
...sylvia plath was the best damn poet ever
...all males have brain damage
...celebrities are too overrated, and we should really celebrate people who help the world
...the people who wrote the messages on candy hearts need help
...mao ze-dong was clinically ill
...i will start a college girl rock band
...everybody has a beautiful voice
...in [some of] confucius
...in my friends
...the sole purpose of v-day is to make people suffer
...in group unity on the stage
...pocahauntas was half asian
...you have total control over your future
...in orange markers
...that life without color is meaningless
...in postsecret
...the 'no-two-snowflakes-are-alike' is false
...area 51 exists
...that laughter and sleep are better than any other medicine
...people on RPG's are just lonely
...hot sauce makes everything better
...in mascara
...karma and the 'wheel-of-fortune' exists
...asian preps are posers
...people in gangs are just insecure
...everyone radiates a different color aura
...in mood rings
...i will never understand true poverty
...i will never get over my materialistic nature
...the women on herbal essence commercials wear wigs
...haylie duff is a man
...sushi is the man-made, tangible version of 'sex'
...ricky ullman is an angel in disguise
...that there are angels among us
...the media rules over the concept of beauty too much
...haircuts are the devil
...feta cheese is the ambrosia from the greek legends
...in feng shui
...music is comfort food for the heart
...showers are designed to make the people who can't sing feel like they can
...onions are good for the soul
...fantasy books are the sex
...in God, but not a lot of the christian ideas
...school was designed to help us learn to fail
...the most unnoticed people are the most beautiful
...in peter lewis
...in believing in myself... i just haven't found me yet.