I have moved.
Find me if you can. ;)
I love this old blog. Reading over old entries remind me that I wasn't so dumb after all. Actually, quite the contrary: I could be quite inspiring. I hope to continue to be this girl that I was when I wrote on Grapefruit Genius. Love.
chen
Tuesday, May 05, 2009
Monday, August 11, 2008
The end of the beginning...
Aiya. I always delay posting on this because my entries always turn out humongously rant-y. The past few posts have horrible use of the English language and are all over the place. Let's start over.
CXR OH!EIGHT._ Camp is an experience every year. This year, however, was the first year that I was actually looking forward to going. From the years 2002-2007, I've just never been particularly excited about it despite the post-camp trend being I love it beyond belief. But this year, maybe it was because I was going to be a counselor and experience things from the flip side - or maybe it was because I was weirdly secure in my faith. Either way, I expected a lot out of CXR and once again, God has not failed to impress me in what He can do. My expectations and experiences were a little different than before because, yes, of the fact that I was a counselor. I got to know so many of the campers and in doing so found out that faith knows no age. Some of the tiniest little guys and gals are probably the most spiritually mature out of the whole group and just really blew me away. Their insights are just amazing to me, and I had a lot to learn from all of them. Which is not to say that my one-on-one's weren't exhausting, because they were, both physically and mentally. But, despite hearing ramblings of this-and-that guy and so-and-so bratty friend drama at school, I'm so glad to have talked to my girls. But one-on-one's, being Camp Mom on the hospitality committee with Annith, being on the worship team, being director/lead of the counselor skit, leading cabin time, mediating drama - that just sounds exhausting to say. I can't believe I did all that as a noob. The responsibilities got to be a little too much for me to really concentrate on God, but on Monday, I received my own overdue God time. Even on stage during the counselor skit, I felt Him there. In me, in the other counselors on stage, in front of us, all around us. Saturating us with His presence, all throughout the end of altar call to campfire. Amazing.
Our speaker Sam Oh, was, without a doubt, one of the most amazing speakers I think we have ever had. He was just the right mix between hilarious - to get some of the more tiao-pi guys to pay attention - and convicting. His speeches were just what I needed - a new spin on old talks, facets of God that I have never even thought of knowing before. I got to talk to him on a few occasions as well, and he's just generally a laid-back, great guy despite being Korean :P.
My warm fuzzies this year were also another thing I was really looking forward to. Can I just say I love love love them? Through the written notes I realized just how many people I touched with our counselor skit in particular (another thing I was so psyched for). We as counselors came such a long way with that one - from half the group being skeptics about whether we'd be able to pull it off or not, to executing it perfectly. I can't wait for Xiao to put the video up. Anyway, I carry the warm fuzzies around with me now. Yep. That's how much of a dork I am, lol.
Camp will never cease to awe me with what God can do. In the water balloon fights and the yuuummmyyyy mealtimes (even though I never got to do the eating contest with Leon - next year!) and the worship practices and the hi-larious skit nights and the early-rising counselor meetings (the last of which I never made it to thanks to exhaustion =_=), He just... He moves mountains. I just wish I could live up there forever, surrounded by my brothers and sisters, clear mountain air, good food, laughter, tears, and God. Is this a glimpse of what heaven is (minus the less-than-great cabin conditions, especially the showers)? If it is, that doesn't seem so bad to me.
Counselor skit cast. Greed, vanity, drunkenness, death, lust, God, and the human girl.
POST CXR OH!EIGHT._ Many BCEFCCECD counselor hang-outs ensue. We're a bunch of crazy Asians. The Tuesday after we got back from camp, we went straightaway to Pho Duy II. (Mmm...). I was trapped between Mike and Ray in the car. You can guess what happened. Mike read most of his 'grammatically [or politically] incorrect' warm fuzzies in a horrible Canto accent, Ray was giggling, I was dying, John was being sarcastic, and yea. It was bad. Then I made the stupidest sounding comment of my life which shall not be repeated here but involved a moving motorcycle on a highway (duh...). Glad I got to be of some entertainment value. ><
Pho was basically a repeat, as I was trapped between Mike and Ray again. I didn't even finish half of my pho T-T.
Two nights ago on Saturday, I drove up to Boulder by myself - getting lost several times on 28th Street that turns BACK into US-36 at some point... - for our counselor get-together (plus Brian, ha) at Katie's parent's restaurant, Five Spice. Attendees (so you know just how BIG our table was): Ann, Jeff, Big-Jack, Jackjack, Amy, Angela, Rayray, Connie, Drew, Jane, Brian, Teddy, Ivo, Wayne, Ken, Xiao, John, Katie, Mike, aaaand me. The food was gooooood. Except for that one fish dish that reminded me of the one I ordered at Chopsticks the night before I almost died.
Afterwards, we cleaned up, of course loitered in the parking lot for about 15 minutes, and then went to Chatauqua Park for a NIGHTHIKE! I know. I don't go hiking. IN fact it's pretty much okay to say I detest hiking with a passion. Plus I was in flip-flops with absolutely no traction. But when I say nighthiking, it's basically a code word for us being a group of LOUD idiots traipsing our way a quarter up a trail before deciding to head back and fool around on picnic benches. I wish somebody had videorecorded the whole thing.
On the way up, Jeff and Jackjack were singing a particularly annoying song, the rest of us were trying to drown them out by singing something-anything-else, and Katie and I were rapping Fahrenheit. Jackjack kept taking his shirt off because he got really hot. And then Mike would make fun. Halfway up, we lost half our group and then began making up completely retarded monster theories of how they got snatched, which sounds stupid told in the daylight, but in the dark with only four flashlights and the perfect setting for a horror movie, it was kind of frightening. People kept breaking off to go find the 'lost' and then never came back. When we dwindled down to about 8 people, we decided to hike back down to wait for the rest by our cars. The way down consisted of making fun of different Chinese accents, Big-Jack and I having a British accent war, making fun of Taiwan (much to the grumbling of Jeff), and more singing of really... weird... songs. And I had 'what-what-in-the-butt' stuck in my head. And Jackjack did some more stripping up top. So that came out at random times. It was completely exhilarating, plus I probably burned 100 or so calories in the process. And I wasn't even tired.
On the picnic benches, we said goodbye about 100 times but nobody wanted to leave yet, so we started playing Asian nerd games and taking pictures and joking and such. I think some of the more 'older' people (re: Tivo and Wayne) got a little annoyed by the 'younger' batch (re: US) being irritably noisy, so they disappeared someplace... And then at around midnight I drove back to Denver with Teddy in my car to keep me company.
My dad was pretty pissed when I arrived home at exactly 1:04 AM. Not exactly thrilled, to say the least. It was good times.
It sounds kind of lame when I write it all out, but when I talk about BCEFCCECD get-togethers, it's a you-had-to-be-there kind of situation. If you were, you'd either be laughing with us or at us. We should have our own TV show.
I guess, though, what I'm trying to say is I love these people. I really do. I mean, yes, sometimes I get sick of seeing Tivo, Wayne, and Xiao all the time, but when we're all together with everyone else I get this feeling in my ribcage, like, I just love you guys. All of you. And I wish we could just live in one big house and be together forever. Of course that's not possible now because we all have school and jobs and busy lives. But maybe someday when we're all old (old? GASP. I don't want to think about it.) and our kids don't want us anymore (even though I'm not having any), we can all retire in one huge mansion in Rhode Island or Florida or China/Taiwan instead of a nursing home. And then it'll be a party every day. That's one thing to look forward to when I'm old, anyway.
Tonight is Jane's bbq in Boulder, and I'm hoping mama will let me go. She wants me to spend some quality time with the familia before I head off to Syracuse again, but I just hoopppppeeee she'll let me go tonight. I'll stay home the rest of the week! (Or, at least, Tuesday Thursday Friday!). I love my family, but I also love my BCEFCCECD family.
I haven't even talked about what's going on with my girls from elementary-middleschool-HS. That's for next time.
Us being us.
...and the start of another beginning?
chensqrd
CXR OH!EIGHT._ Camp is an experience every year. This year, however, was the first year that I was actually looking forward to going. From the years 2002-2007, I've just never been particularly excited about it despite the post-camp trend being I love it beyond belief. But this year, maybe it was because I was going to be a counselor and experience things from the flip side - or maybe it was because I was weirdly secure in my faith. Either way, I expected a lot out of CXR and once again, God has not failed to impress me in what He can do. My expectations and experiences were a little different than before because, yes, of the fact that I was a counselor. I got to know so many of the campers and in doing so found out that faith knows no age. Some of the tiniest little guys and gals are probably the most spiritually mature out of the whole group and just really blew me away. Their insights are just amazing to me, and I had a lot to learn from all of them. Which is not to say that my one-on-one's weren't exhausting, because they were, both physically and mentally. But, despite hearing ramblings of this-and-that guy and so-and-so bratty friend drama at school, I'm so glad to have talked to my girls. But one-on-one's, being Camp Mom on the hospitality committee with Annith, being on the worship team, being director/lead of the counselor skit, leading cabin time, mediating drama - that just sounds exhausting to say. I can't believe I did all that as a noob. The responsibilities got to be a little too much for me to really concentrate on God, but on Monday, I received my own overdue God time. Even on stage during the counselor skit, I felt Him there. In me, in the other counselors on stage, in front of us, all around us. Saturating us with His presence, all throughout the end of altar call to campfire. Amazing.
Our speaker Sam Oh, was, without a doubt, one of the most amazing speakers I think we have ever had. He was just the right mix between hilarious - to get some of the more tiao-pi guys to pay attention - and convicting. His speeches were just what I needed - a new spin on old talks, facets of God that I have never even thought of knowing before. I got to talk to him on a few occasions as well, and he's just generally a laid-back, great guy despite being Korean :P.
My warm fuzzies this year were also another thing I was really looking forward to. Can I just say I love love love them? Through the written notes I realized just how many people I touched with our counselor skit in particular (another thing I was so psyched for). We as counselors came such a long way with that one - from half the group being skeptics about whether we'd be able to pull it off or not, to executing it perfectly. I can't wait for Xiao to put the video up. Anyway, I carry the warm fuzzies around with me now. Yep. That's how much of a dork I am, lol.
Camp will never cease to awe me with what God can do. In the water balloon fights and the yuuummmyyyy mealtimes (even though I never got to do the eating contest with Leon - next year!) and the worship practices and the hi-larious skit nights and the early-rising counselor meetings (the last of which I never made it to thanks to exhaustion =_=), He just... He moves mountains. I just wish I could live up there forever, surrounded by my brothers and sisters, clear mountain air, good food, laughter, tears, and God. Is this a glimpse of what heaven is (minus the less-than-great cabin conditions, especially the showers)? If it is, that doesn't seem so bad to me.
Counselor skit cast. Greed, vanity, drunkenness, death, lust, God, and the human girl.
POST CXR OH!EIGHT._ Many BCEFCCECD counselor hang-outs ensue. We're a bunch of crazy Asians. The Tuesday after we got back from camp, we went straightaway to Pho Duy II. (Mmm...). I was trapped between Mike and Ray in the car. You can guess what happened. Mike read most of his 'grammatically [or politically] incorrect' warm fuzzies in a horrible Canto accent, Ray was giggling, I was dying, John was being sarcastic, and yea. It was bad. Then I made the stupidest sounding comment of my life which shall not be repeated here but involved a moving motorcycle on a highway (duh...). Glad I got to be of some entertainment value. ><
Pho was basically a repeat, as I was trapped between Mike and Ray again. I didn't even finish half of my pho T-T.
Two nights ago on Saturday, I drove up to Boulder by myself - getting lost several times on 28th Street that turns BACK into US-36 at some point... - for our counselor get-together (plus Brian, ha) at Katie's parent's restaurant, Five Spice. Attendees (so you know just how BIG our table was): Ann, Jeff, Big-Jack, Jackjack, Amy, Angela, Rayray, Connie, Drew, Jane, Brian, Teddy, Ivo, Wayne, Ken, Xiao, John, Katie, Mike, aaaand me. The food was gooooood. Except for that one fish dish that reminded me of the one I ordered at Chopsticks the night before I almost died.
Afterwards, we cleaned up, of course loitered in the parking lot for about 15 minutes, and then went to Chatauqua Park for a NIGHTHIKE! I know. I don't go hiking. IN fact it's pretty much okay to say I detest hiking with a passion. Plus I was in flip-flops with absolutely no traction. But when I say nighthiking, it's basically a code word for us being a group of LOUD idiots traipsing our way a quarter up a trail before deciding to head back and fool around on picnic benches. I wish somebody had videorecorded the whole thing.
On the way up, Jeff and Jackjack were singing a particularly annoying song, the rest of us were trying to drown them out by singing something-anything-else, and Katie and I were rapping Fahrenheit. Jackjack kept taking his shirt off because he got really hot. And then Mike would make fun. Halfway up, we lost half our group and then began making up completely retarded monster theories of how they got snatched, which sounds stupid told in the daylight, but in the dark with only four flashlights and the perfect setting for a horror movie, it was kind of frightening. People kept breaking off to go find the 'lost' and then never came back. When we dwindled down to about 8 people, we decided to hike back down to wait for the rest by our cars. The way down consisted of making fun of different Chinese accents, Big-Jack and I having a British accent war, making fun of Taiwan (much to the grumbling of Jeff), and more singing of really... weird... songs. And I had 'what-what-in-the-butt' stuck in my head. And Jackjack did some more stripping up top. So that came out at random times. It was completely exhilarating, plus I probably burned 100 or so calories in the process. And I wasn't even tired.
On the picnic benches, we said goodbye about 100 times but nobody wanted to leave yet, so we started playing Asian nerd games and taking pictures and joking and such. I think some of the more 'older' people (re: Tivo and Wayne) got a little annoyed by the 'younger' batch (re: US) being irritably noisy, so they disappeared someplace... And then at around midnight I drove back to Denver with Teddy in my car to keep me company.
My dad was pretty pissed when I arrived home at exactly 1:04 AM. Not exactly thrilled, to say the least. It was good times.
It sounds kind of lame when I write it all out, but when I talk about BCEFCCECD get-togethers, it's a you-had-to-be-there kind of situation. If you were, you'd either be laughing with us or at us. We should have our own TV show.
I guess, though, what I'm trying to say is I love these people. I really do. I mean, yes, sometimes I get sick of seeing Tivo, Wayne, and Xiao all the time, but when we're all together with everyone else I get this feeling in my ribcage, like, I just love you guys. All of you. And I wish we could just live in one big house and be together forever. Of course that's not possible now because we all have school and jobs and busy lives. But maybe someday when we're all old (old? GASP. I don't want to think about it.) and our kids don't want us anymore (even though I'm not having any), we can all retire in one huge mansion in Rhode Island or Florida or China/Taiwan instead of a nursing home. And then it'll be a party every day. That's one thing to look forward to when I'm old, anyway.
Tonight is Jane's bbq in Boulder, and I'm hoping mama will let me go. She wants me to spend some quality time with the familia before I head off to Syracuse again, but I just hoopppppeeee she'll let me go tonight. I'll stay home the rest of the week! (Or, at least, Tuesday Thursday Friday!). I love my family, but I also love my BCEFCCECD family.
I haven't even talked about what's going on with my girls from elementary-middleschool-HS. That's for next time.
Us being us.
...and the start of another beginning?
chensqrd
Tuesday, July 08, 2008
I want to fall facedown.
The other day, my sister flew into my room two hours before my natural waking hour (which is... well, let's just say it's obscenely late) to relate her horrifying nightmare to me. Despite my being pretty groggy and drifting in and out of sleep, I listened to my meimei describe the monster in her bad dream's face, and every detail of his glistening, black eyes and how she was afraid to go to sleep again the next night.
I could relate. We all hate nightmares - in my case, I still sleep with a nightlight because of night-frights. Yep. That's right. I'm nineteen years old and I sleep with a nightlight.
Anyway. As Qin bounced around on my bed, temporarily forgetting about her dream in other attempts to wake me so I could play, my mind started to drift as it often does (I'm a writer... it happens). I started to think about the level of which I feared nightmares, and for one moment hoped I wouldn't have one that night - but then a sort of existential thought occured to me next: even if I didn't have a nightmare that night, fine, but in my lifespan (unless I happen to die very soon) how many more nightmares would I have? Hundreds of thousands. Millions. Perhaps billions, if I'm so unlucky. Even if I made it through a whole year somehow without having one traumatic nightmare, what were the odds that I would make it through my whole entire life without at least another one of those closet-monster dreams? Dreams are totally out of our control - try as we might, we cannot control what our brain plays back to us in the state of unconsciousness. I don't care what those freaky mind gurus say, you can't condition your mind what to dream. Sometimes it works, but in general, you can dream anything, from fuzzy demented polygons oozing pus (a nightmare of mine that just sounds retarded when I retell it but is the most terrifying, recurring childhood nightmare I have ever had, and will unfortunately continue to have) to purple angels who fly around throwing bananas at people (that one hasn't happened yet).
Well, I thought to myself, if I can't control nightmares, at least it's nice that I control basically most other things in my life. How I do in school, who I date and befriend, what I do with my free time. But as all existential crises go, it seeped into the edges of my brief lull of happiness and made me think -- how much do I really control, though? Do I really control who my boyfriend is and the grades I get and if I choose to laze around watching TV or go outside and help my dad water the flowers?
As a Christian, I am taught that while everyone has free will, God also controls our destiny. He is the puppetmaster of our fate and how we turn out... okay, maybe puppetmaster isn't the best analogy because He definitely does not contain the morbid and slightly grim connotations that comes with the word 'puppetmaster'. We do not operate on strings and God does not dictate exactly when to move and what to do. I suppose a better phrase would be that God maps out the blueprint, the foundation, of our lives. If we choose to follow that blueprint and build our existence around what he has advised, is our choice. So, God may already have determined the man I will marry, but not whether I water the flowers or watch TV. (As in, God will never say "TEND TO THE GARDEN OR MY WHOLE PLAN IS THROWN OFF BALANCE" or stuff like that. Say it with me: TRIVIAL.)
Still, so many people are freaked out by the fact that our destiny is already, to a degree, pre-determined. It is a huge con that we do not hold our own remote controllers to ourselves, being the total control freaks that we are. We don't like the idea that we aren't in control because all of us, when it comes to this issue, are like insolent teenagers - we know best, we know everything, God knows squat, and he should give us free reign, because Father does not know best. This included me; I had so many doubts that an old senile Santa Clause incarnate knew what was best for me. I mean, what if He gave me a future job and career that I detested? What if He made me end up in a place in the world that I didn't want to be in? Most importantly (because I am finally okay admitting that I just like boys), what if I hated the person he chose to be my "The One"???
You know what, though? To hold out with us being like teenagers, that analogy comes with its own implications - that teenagers are foolhardy, that they don't in fact know best, and that their wisdom and knowledge extends to maybe the length of their pinky nail. I mean, how great are we, actually, that we think we can map out our own life if we've only lived and experienced one life, compared to God, who's seen and been through billions? If remote controlled devices held their own remotes, how far would they get when they can only see what's in front of them whereas we can see much farther and beyond, and because of that guide them the right way to hit minimal obstacles that flatten their little engines? I'm full of bad analogies today. My point is, God created us, crafted us, placed in detail the environment we would grow up in. How in the world would he not know what was best? We can only see a few feet in front of us, and nothing of the future, whereas he looks over the whole universe and knows the future and by doing so, can guide us by the safest route throughout life. I doubt I can even remember how to build a cell, much less a complex human being or an Earth. God is not senile, he does not look like Santa Clause, and he knows best.
It took me so long to figure that out. I was fighting Him for so long, getting caught deeper and further in the cloud that was dragging me down, drowning me, the barbwire hooks cutting into my skin amidst my struggle and taking pieces of me with it, and all I needed to do was stand still and let Him gently remove me from the net. I remember a speaker at Camp Xroads a few years ago saying that lifeguards aren't allowed to save drowning people until they stop struggling for themselves and throw their hands up. That's when the lifeguards go in and do their thing. Enough said.
It's still a daily struggle, especially in the area of my relationship with others. I am only beginning to trust God, and my hand has not entirely reached his outstretched one. My current flavor of the week (haha. not.) is a Christian (!) and part of his appeal is that... well, that he's Christian. I never thought I valued that in a man very much, but it was only after I became interested in one that when I see Him running after God that I'm so... I don't know. Touched? Moved? Well, he's Christian, yes, and I'm told we would be great together - but I don't know if that's God's plan. A part of me is just tempted to say "Go screw yourself, God" and pursue him until I get him or get coldhardrejected ><. A part of me is scared that he's not for me, that God doesn't think he's right for me, and that He won't give him to me. And that scares me, because as of right now, I would really, really like to have this boy, especially as I know he used to like me and is still attracted to me. The old doubt is beating at the back of my mind - that God doesn't know anything and I should just do everything in my power to get this boy as I can - but you know, whatever happens is God's will anyway, and I can't fight it. I can squirm around and maybe win this boy and go HA! But God will say, "My will be done" and maybe laugh a little at my silliness. I have to sit back and let whatever's meant to happen, happen.
Because despite my baby steps, I'm still fighting in the water a little bit, trying to save myself, but it's gotten to the point where I'm only weakly flailing around and about to give in because I know that it's useless. Seeing Him work in my life and in other's lives fills me so much with awe. I see Him saving others, and I want to give up and let him save me. I want to fall on my face and wait for Him to dust me off and hold me and say it's okay, as I know in my head He will undoubtedly do. I just need to feel it in my heart now. It does come to my heart and soul, but erratically. It comes in pangs and bursts, unknowing tears pricking behind my eyes at random times, like worship during a particular line in a song, or when I pray for my family in China, or when the brothers and sisters are just all together and I see us all growing, seeking Him as one. When it does come, I feel... full. I feel like bursting, like overflowing with joy something unspeakable.
I want that all the time. I want to fall down and be picked up. I want to fall facedown.
That's all. It's late, and I have work tomorrow.
Let Your glory shine around,
chen | summer
I could relate. We all hate nightmares - in my case, I still sleep with a nightlight because of night-frights. Yep. That's right. I'm nineteen years old and I sleep with a nightlight.
Anyway. As Qin bounced around on my bed, temporarily forgetting about her dream in other attempts to wake me so I could play, my mind started to drift as it often does (I'm a writer... it happens). I started to think about the level of which I feared nightmares, and for one moment hoped I wouldn't have one that night - but then a sort of existential thought occured to me next: even if I didn't have a nightmare that night, fine, but in my lifespan (unless I happen to die very soon) how many more nightmares would I have? Hundreds of thousands. Millions. Perhaps billions, if I'm so unlucky. Even if I made it through a whole year somehow without having one traumatic nightmare, what were the odds that I would make it through my whole entire life without at least another one of those closet-monster dreams? Dreams are totally out of our control - try as we might, we cannot control what our brain plays back to us in the state of unconsciousness. I don't care what those freaky mind gurus say, you can't condition your mind what to dream. Sometimes it works, but in general, you can dream anything, from fuzzy demented polygons oozing pus (a nightmare of mine that just sounds retarded when I retell it but is the most terrifying, recurring childhood nightmare I have ever had, and will unfortunately continue to have) to purple angels who fly around throwing bananas at people (that one hasn't happened yet).
Well, I thought to myself, if I can't control nightmares, at least it's nice that I control basically most other things in my life. How I do in school, who I date and befriend, what I do with my free time. But as all existential crises go, it seeped into the edges of my brief lull of happiness and made me think -- how much do I really control, though? Do I really control who my boyfriend is and the grades I get and if I choose to laze around watching TV or go outside and help my dad water the flowers?
As a Christian, I am taught that while everyone has free will, God also controls our destiny. He is the puppetmaster of our fate and how we turn out... okay, maybe puppetmaster isn't the best analogy because He definitely does not contain the morbid and slightly grim connotations that comes with the word 'puppetmaster'. We do not operate on strings and God does not dictate exactly when to move and what to do. I suppose a better phrase would be that God maps out the blueprint, the foundation, of our lives. If we choose to follow that blueprint and build our existence around what he has advised, is our choice. So, God may already have determined the man I will marry, but not whether I water the flowers or watch TV. (As in, God will never say "TEND TO THE GARDEN OR MY WHOLE PLAN IS THROWN OFF BALANCE" or stuff like that. Say it with me: TRIVIAL.)
Still, so many people are freaked out by the fact that our destiny is already, to a degree, pre-determined. It is a huge con that we do not hold our own remote controllers to ourselves, being the total control freaks that we are. We don't like the idea that we aren't in control because all of us, when it comes to this issue, are like insolent teenagers - we know best, we know everything, God knows squat, and he should give us free reign, because Father does not know best. This included me; I had so many doubts that an old senile Santa Clause incarnate knew what was best for me. I mean, what if He gave me a future job and career that I detested? What if He made me end up in a place in the world that I didn't want to be in? Most importantly (because I am finally okay admitting that I just like boys), what if I hated the person he chose to be my "The One"???
You know what, though? To hold out with us being like teenagers, that analogy comes with its own implications - that teenagers are foolhardy, that they don't in fact know best, and that their wisdom and knowledge extends to maybe the length of their pinky nail. I mean, how great are we, actually, that we think we can map out our own life if we've only lived and experienced one life, compared to God, who's seen and been through billions? If remote controlled devices held their own remotes, how far would they get when they can only see what's in front of them whereas we can see much farther and beyond, and because of that guide them the right way to hit minimal obstacles that flatten their little engines? I'm full of bad analogies today. My point is, God created us, crafted us, placed in detail the environment we would grow up in. How in the world would he not know what was best? We can only see a few feet in front of us, and nothing of the future, whereas he looks over the whole universe and knows the future and by doing so, can guide us by the safest route throughout life. I doubt I can even remember how to build a cell, much less a complex human being or an Earth. God is not senile, he does not look like Santa Clause, and he knows best.
It took me so long to figure that out. I was fighting Him for so long, getting caught deeper and further in the cloud that was dragging me down, drowning me, the barbwire hooks cutting into my skin amidst my struggle and taking pieces of me with it, and all I needed to do was stand still and let Him gently remove me from the net. I remember a speaker at Camp Xroads a few years ago saying that lifeguards aren't allowed to save drowning people until they stop struggling for themselves and throw their hands up. That's when the lifeguards go in and do their thing. Enough said.
It's still a daily struggle, especially in the area of my relationship with others. I am only beginning to trust God, and my hand has not entirely reached his outstretched one. My current flavor of the week (haha. not.) is a Christian (!) and part of his appeal is that... well, that he's Christian. I never thought I valued that in a man very much, but it was only after I became interested in one that when I see Him running after God that I'm so... I don't know. Touched? Moved? Well, he's Christian, yes, and I'm told we would be great together - but I don't know if that's God's plan. A part of me is just tempted to say "Go screw yourself, God" and pursue him until I get him or get coldhardrejected ><. A part of me is scared that he's not for me, that God doesn't think he's right for me, and that He won't give him to me. And that scares me, because as of right now, I would really, really like to have this boy, especially as I know he used to like me and is still attracted to me. The old doubt is beating at the back of my mind - that God doesn't know anything and I should just do everything in my power to get this boy as I can - but you know, whatever happens is God's will anyway, and I can't fight it. I can squirm around and maybe win this boy and go HA! But God will say, "My will be done" and maybe laugh a little at my silliness. I have to sit back and let whatever's meant to happen, happen.
Because despite my baby steps, I'm still fighting in the water a little bit, trying to save myself, but it's gotten to the point where I'm only weakly flailing around and about to give in because I know that it's useless. Seeing Him work in my life and in other's lives fills me so much with awe. I see Him saving others, and I want to give up and let him save me. I want to fall on my face and wait for Him to dust me off and hold me and say it's okay, as I know in my head He will undoubtedly do. I just need to feel it in my heart now. It does come to my heart and soul, but erratically. It comes in pangs and bursts, unknowing tears pricking behind my eyes at random times, like worship during a particular line in a song, or when I pray for my family in China, or when the brothers and sisters are just all together and I see us all growing, seeking Him as one. When it does come, I feel... full. I feel like bursting, like overflowing with joy something unspeakable.
I want that all the time. I want to fall down and be picked up. I want to fall facedown.
That's all. It's late, and I have work tomorrow.
Let Your glory shine around,
chen | summer
Monday, May 26, 2008
Another school term later...
Yes. My freshman year of college has passed by. Time seems to just fly, doesn't it? The lonely or boring hours you spend doing nothing makes time almost drag on endlessly, and in those moments it seems like the day will never end. But before you know it, another week has passed, then another month, then another semester, and year...
I can't believe it. It seems so far away that I was a freshman setting foot on Syracuse all by myself, saying a hard goodbye to mama and baba for the first time, and taking deep breaths and making wishes that I'd make friends quickly. I look back on those days that I didn't know my way around campus and had to carry around a map, and the days when I felt so small and insignificant, and so lonely because of the distance between me and my friends and family.
And yet, it only seems like yesterday when I was trying on my Disney Princess backpack for the first time and having my mama take my tiny hand and rush me to pre-school, only to be told by the teacher that we didn't have school on Sundays in America :). I still dream about being a child, dancing around in my tiara and grown-up shoes in the living room, back when life was really simple, and so carefree. None of those worries about the future, or responsibilities, or paying the bills, or whether you look all right. All worries consisted of only cooties and whether I had enough stick-on earrings to last me the rest of the week, haha.
Freshman year turned out to be a nice year. Not the best, but definitely not the worst. I think everybody has to go through a few scrapes and accidents in life before they find where they really belong, you know? Especially when you first start out in a new place. And you don't always end up where you thought you would. I'm talking about myself when I say this because I'm a crazy dreamer.
Anyway, that's all in the past now. I'm looking on to sophomore year and no more early mornings and guitar lessons (!) and living with friends and more good grades. I received four A's and one B this last term, so I'm pretty proud of myself even though I accidentally overdrafted on my debit card. :| Oops.
I actually just came back from CCCJR. God's a funny thing. I started out not wanting to go in the least because the youth program was for 6-12 grades; I thought I'd stay at a friend's house while my family drove to Estes for the weekend. But then I got trapped (I should say called, actually) into serving as a co-counselor and in the worship team with Mike, Sarah, Flo, and David Carter. And I'm glad I went, as always. The weather was so nice, and getting up in the mornings to appreciate the early-morning crisp air was a good experience. Qinqin got sick like always so she missed a lot, which sucked, and I didn't sleep that much, but it was enjoyable anyways. Our speaker, a young guy named Peter Henderson who actually went through the tragedy of Columbine, spoke about Hermeneutics and Exegesis, and the great part was, he actually made it interesting and relatable to both the sixth graders and myself. We got to talk to him at lunch once and he's so chill. Admittedly, we spent most of the time talking about amazing restaurants and Casa Bonita >.>...
And the kids were so cute. There were a couple of guys who we were like, oh, when they grow up they'll be so attractive! And I felt kind of pervy for saying that. Also, the little girls were so cute and they really do look up to us as mentors and role models. I feel pressure. Just kidding. I'm really pumped up for Camp Xroads now - I want to have my little group of CC-Campers!!!
Speaking of sixth graders, it's so weird when you ask them what year they were born and they go "1995." "1996." I FEEL SO OLD! I was born in 1989, man! Last of the 80's! I still feel like the 95'ers and so should still be in kindergarten. And none of them know, like, A*Teens or Power Rangers or Rubix Cubes. None of the things we grew up with. And they're all so fashionable. When I was their age I wore flowery leggings and matching sweatshirts.
The point is, God is good, and He knows what He's doing. We had so many nice moments at camp (which, weirdly enough, most of them centered around Mike - that guy is on speed all the time or something) with the worship team and things. I sung my heart out and played my heart out and loved it. I can't wait till I can play guitar too *pumps fist*.
When I was young, I always wished I could be a sophisticated, older teen. Always a daydreamer, I pictured high school, and the car I would drive, and the boy I would date, and the way I would look and act. But the funny thing is, I never made it in my dreams past prom. Never. I always stopped at around junior year, thinking anything beyond age seventeen was unthinkable - too old to fathom. And now I'm well into year nineteen, and even seventeen seems like a baby age to me. I've been to prom, I've graduated, and I've flown across the country to experience one full year of college already. I always thought after prom some lightning would strike, the earth would end, and I'd never get any older. But here I am, still standing on my own two feet, and as big a dreamer as ever. I sometimes wish I could go back to six year old Chen Chen, and bend down to my knees and ask her, did I do you justice? I know I'm not as perfect as you would've liked me to be. But, are you happy with who you turn out as? Are you excited to become this older you? This flawed, sometimes awkward, sarcastic, boyish, girlish, imperfect you?
No regrets. Here's to looking forward.
...and hopefully wiser,
chen.
I can't believe it. It seems so far away that I was a freshman setting foot on Syracuse all by myself, saying a hard goodbye to mama and baba for the first time, and taking deep breaths and making wishes that I'd make friends quickly. I look back on those days that I didn't know my way around campus and had to carry around a map, and the days when I felt so small and insignificant, and so lonely because of the distance between me and my friends and family.
And yet, it only seems like yesterday when I was trying on my Disney Princess backpack for the first time and having my mama take my tiny hand and rush me to pre-school, only to be told by the teacher that we didn't have school on Sundays in America :). I still dream about being a child, dancing around in my tiara and grown-up shoes in the living room, back when life was really simple, and so carefree. None of those worries about the future, or responsibilities, or paying the bills, or whether you look all right. All worries consisted of only cooties and whether I had enough stick-on earrings to last me the rest of the week, haha.
Freshman year turned out to be a nice year. Not the best, but definitely not the worst. I think everybody has to go through a few scrapes and accidents in life before they find where they really belong, you know? Especially when you first start out in a new place. And you don't always end up where you thought you would. I'm talking about myself when I say this because I'm a crazy dreamer.
Anyway, that's all in the past now. I'm looking on to sophomore year and no more early mornings and guitar lessons (!) and living with friends and more good grades. I received four A's and one B this last term, so I'm pretty proud of myself even though I accidentally overdrafted on my debit card. :| Oops.
I actually just came back from CCCJR. God's a funny thing. I started out not wanting to go in the least because the youth program was for 6-12 grades; I thought I'd stay at a friend's house while my family drove to Estes for the weekend. But then I got trapped (I should say called, actually) into serving as a co-counselor and in the worship team with Mike, Sarah, Flo, and David Carter. And I'm glad I went, as always. The weather was so nice, and getting up in the mornings to appreciate the early-morning crisp air was a good experience. Qinqin got sick like always so she missed a lot, which sucked, and I didn't sleep that much, but it was enjoyable anyways. Our speaker, a young guy named Peter Henderson who actually went through the tragedy of Columbine, spoke about Hermeneutics and Exegesis, and the great part was, he actually made it interesting and relatable to both the sixth graders and myself. We got to talk to him at lunch once and he's so chill. Admittedly, we spent most of the time talking about amazing restaurants and Casa Bonita >.>...
And the kids were so cute. There were a couple of guys who we were like, oh, when they grow up they'll be so attractive! And I felt kind of pervy for saying that. Also, the little girls were so cute and they really do look up to us as mentors and role models. I feel pressure. Just kidding. I'm really pumped up for Camp Xroads now - I want to have my little group of CC-Campers!!!
Speaking of sixth graders, it's so weird when you ask them what year they were born and they go "1995." "1996." I FEEL SO OLD! I was born in 1989, man! Last of the 80's! I still feel like the 95'ers and so should still be in kindergarten. And none of them know, like, A*Teens or Power Rangers or Rubix Cubes. None of the things we grew up with. And they're all so fashionable. When I was their age I wore flowery leggings and matching sweatshirts.
The point is, God is good, and He knows what He's doing. We had so many nice moments at camp (which, weirdly enough, most of them centered around Mike - that guy is on speed all the time or something) with the worship team and things. I sung my heart out and played my heart out and loved it. I can't wait till I can play guitar too *pumps fist*.
When I was young, I always wished I could be a sophisticated, older teen. Always a daydreamer, I pictured high school, and the car I would drive, and the boy I would date, and the way I would look and act. But the funny thing is, I never made it in my dreams past prom. Never. I always stopped at around junior year, thinking anything beyond age seventeen was unthinkable - too old to fathom. And now I'm well into year nineteen, and even seventeen seems like a baby age to me. I've been to prom, I've graduated, and I've flown across the country to experience one full year of college already. I always thought after prom some lightning would strike, the earth would end, and I'd never get any older. But here I am, still standing on my own two feet, and as big a dreamer as ever. I sometimes wish I could go back to six year old Chen Chen, and bend down to my knees and ask her, did I do you justice? I know I'm not as perfect as you would've liked me to be. But, are you happy with who you turn out as? Are you excited to become this older you? This flawed, sometimes awkward, sarcastic, boyish, girlish, imperfect you?
No regrets. Here's to looking forward.
...and hopefully wiser,
chen.
Sunday, February 17, 2008
...I am 11:59 A.M. Really?
"You are late-sleepy relaxation, the half-awake moment when you realize it's morning, but you don't have to get up, because there's no place you have to be. You are that cozy spot under the covers where everything feels temporarily perfect, even if you know you'll eventually have to wiggle out and start the day. Maybe you're the artistic type, who doesn't function well on a normal schedule. Sleep's important to you, and you like the freedom of sleeping as late as you want (especially since that is closely related to the freedom to stay up as late as you want). You like to roll out of bed, put on some comfy clothes, and get a laid back start to the day. If not everything on your list gets accomplished, no worries. Your only priority is having no priorities – you just want to take things at a slow, mellow pace."
A randomly taken quiz can describe a little bit of me perfectly! O_O
and you're my 12:00 PM,
chen.
Tuesday, February 05, 2008
What to say during perfect days...
今天的天气真的好美呵。。。Really, the weather was just perfect. I never say this about Syracuse weather, but today I felt like if it stayed like this all the time I could just move here.It wasn't cold at all - in fact I think it was around 45, which was just good for a sweater and a light coat - and it was gray, but it wasn't dreary. It was more like a bit foggy and ethereal. And it was raining... but it wasn't. You know, when it's not dripping onto you and soaking you through, but as you walk you can feel the tiny dewdrops and mist sprinkling your face. It was so perfect. ^^
Also, my short fever is gone, I think. Take that, sickness! *Shakes fist* I think it really was Airborne who cured me. I don't like to take it, but... it saved me, so, 我感谢他才对！Yay, Airborne! My health seems so fragile these days, aiya, but, I'm just glad to have energy again and be 100% OK la. ^^v
I got sick because I was rushing for sororities all weekend, and standing out in the cold for probably 3/5 of it. Plus I'm losing my voice. After all this, I'm still not too sure if I want to pledge... at the end of the day you still aren't very genuine when you only have 20 minutes to sell yourself to a representative of a house. Hopefully I wasn't too fake... but I like AChiO and AZD and Theta. Hopefully if I get into one of those I'll be 100% sure. Ah, who knew rushing would be such a tiring process. ~~At least I made friends in my group! Vivian and Sarah and Emily and Liz. 爱你们啦！！！
I'm also now 19. We didn't do anything too big to celebrate because it was the day that rush started. At midnight I got mobbed by the hallway girls and on the phone and throughout the day I kept getting facebook/phone wishes, which was nice except now I have about 2000 facebook messages to return X-(. And after rush, Carrie, Mary, Ilka and I hung out in Carrie's room, ordered Chinese, and watched Aladdin and just talked. It was nice, I liked it :) I got curry chicken :3.
Cristiano Ronaldo's birthday is today! He's 23! Our age difference is still only 4 years, so I guess if Jiro and I don't work out... no! Don't say that! 加油！！ 晨晨加油！！！大东一定会爱上你的！！！Heehee, I am very well today. The math test was also easy. Let's see how the rest of the week is, suddenly my huge workload isn't seeming so intimidating...
...& what can I say except, it's perfect.
晨.
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Good to bad to good to bad...
What an odd day! I don't know if the good cancels out the bad or not.
First: I lost my I.D. last semester, the day before the semester ended, and I just know I left it in the dining hall. When I came back this semester, I asked around the front desk, and the dining hall, and everywhere people had no idea where it went. In the end I basically gave up hope and went to replace it yesterday: $15. But I was still worried that someone was going to use my original I.D. for the $150 on it. So today, when I go to check my mailbox... it's IN THERE. @_@. AHHHH. Grrr. I don't know why nobody told me... T-T.
And I can't refund my money either.
Second: When I was walking to class today I was walking behind a Chinese couple and their daughter who I guess were either touring or coming for her as a prospective student. I could hear their conversations and when they stopped to ask someone for directions to Newhouse their English was very limited, so I went up to give them directions in Mandarin. Suddenly, the daughter says to me, “喂，你不是那个渣子里面的模型吗？我认识你啊！！！”
I was like "Uh... wha?"
But she pulled out a Chinese magazine and flipped to an advertisement for water and it was me!!!! I was so baffled! It was one of my unknown advertisements my uncle had told me about and I was seeing it for the first time. O_O!
Then she asked me for my autograph!!! I was so stunned I signed my name wrong - completely not even my signature, I just printed the letters and waved a dazed goodbye.
And now I'm like DANG IT. Because I didn't even get the name of the magazine or anything. Sigh. But it just goes to say that if I really did want to break into the Chinese movie star thing it might not be that difficult/different. ^^
That's it for now.
...to good to bad to forever!
大东的晨晨
First: I lost my I.D. last semester, the day before the semester ended, and I just know I left it in the dining hall. When I came back this semester, I asked around the front desk, and the dining hall, and everywhere people had no idea where it went. In the end I basically gave up hope and went to replace it yesterday: $15. But I was still worried that someone was going to use my original I.D. for the $150 on it. So today, when I go to check my mailbox... it's IN THERE. @_@. AHHHH. Grrr. I don't know why nobody told me... T-T.And I can't refund my money either.
Second: When I was walking to class today I was walking behind a Chinese couple and their daughter who I guess were either touring or coming for her as a prospective student. I could hear their conversations and when they stopped to ask someone for directions to Newhouse their English was very limited, so I went up to give them directions in Mandarin. Suddenly, the daughter says to me, “喂，你不是那个渣子里面的模型吗？我认识你啊！！！”
I was like "Uh... wha?"
But she pulled out a Chinese magazine and flipped to an advertisement for water and it was me!!!! I was so baffled! It was one of my unknown advertisements my uncle had told me about and I was seeing it for the first time. O_O!
Then she asked me for my autograph!!! I was so stunned I signed my name wrong - completely not even my signature, I just printed the letters and waved a dazed goodbye.And now I'm like DANG IT. Because I didn't even get the name of the magazine or anything. Sigh. But it just goes to say that if I really did want to break into the Chinese movie star thing it might not be that difficult/different. ^^
That's it for now.
...to good to bad to forever!
大东的晨晨
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