I think, in a sense, that I was expecting to 'own' Syracuse, just as I sort of do Denver. In my little Denver bubble of life, I am completely comfortable with everything - the people, even strangers; the places, even if I get absolutely lost on Colfax (hm... okay maybe that's taking it a little too far)... and I knew where to go for everything, my schedule was always filled up, pho and boba and Chipotle were always accessible, and I was just... it was my niche. I actually won't be surprised if I end up living there when I get older, despite the lack of perfect men there. Okay, correction: after I get married to PERFECT MAN I will move back to Denver. Denver was so laid back. I loved the vibe.
When I got to Syracuse, I expected everything to be the same -- maybe a little grungier, but essentially, for me to be the same outgoing, outspoken, opinionated sarcastic eccentrically funny girl I was even though I was yanked out of my comfort zone. So when I didn't immediately find 'my homies', I freaked out. I wish I could be like those girls you see who is friends with everyone, and really chill, but doesn't have a best friend or a particular group she hangs out with, but doesn't care or need friends, either. But I need friends. I need my group of girlfriends, so when I couldn't find one within the second day, I was ready to pack my bags and go home. I don't know why; all I knew was that I was suddenly unhappy and I couldn't figure out why I seemed to be so different from everyone here. Perhaps if you took all the same people and plonked them right in central Centennial, I'd've been the life of the party all the time, but all of the sudden I found myself being impossibly awkward and alone.I think I overreacted, and if I chilled out, I could've seen that everybody was probably feeling the same and kept my reputation of being 'cool' or whatever. I mean, I think everybody is scared of college, at least at first. Obviously you have the few superhumans who seem completely unaffected by their surroundings and who just 'walk in the light' (hahaha, thank you She's the Man) and seem to be right in their element no matter where they are. I applaud them, but usually, there's just something so daunting, however popular-athetic-tanned-smart you are, to place someone in a completely new atmosphere with just these words: "Good luck. And... go. And----go. GO."
But instead of realizing that everybody probably went into college with the same sentiment as me, I was too caught up with finding my best-friends-forever's right away that I was too quickly disappointed with the trial-and-error groups I hung out with and sometimes I even smothered my true personality under a facade of bland vague perkiness. Blah. It's so retarded to think about now.
I know everyone thinks this but I wish somebody had given me a crash course on "how NOT to act around new people in Syracuse". I mean, I would seriously hang out with people and feel virtually boring because I had nothing to say - I felt like I had to fill up all the silence with my nonchalant chatter that every other girl seemed to be able to produce and all I was coming up with was BRAIN FARTS. That NEVER would've happened to me in Denver. I mean, I talk wayyy too much in the homeland. So I would be going to lunch or going out with a bunch of girls from wherever and I'd just be thinking to myself the whole time, "think of something to say, think of something to say, oh em gee you're so retarded, retarded... GAH." And I'd soo want to tell everybody that "I swear this isn't who I really am, I'm so much fun in real life, I don't know why I'm like this here" and then I'd be exhausted from being mentally masochistic.Maybe I was intimidated by Syracuse as a whole, so I felt that everybody in Syracuse was intimidating too. I don't know. Plus, I got sick about 4 times during the semester; I got tonsillitis on Halloween and called my mom crying because I felt so sick (but I think I used my sickness as an excuse to cry when I was only actually lonely). I missed out on Halloween day, Homecoming weekend, and apparently 'the best night ever' as far as frat parties go.
But the other thing was, this group of girls in my hallway, self-dubbed ACLS, adopted me after the first week into their group of five (well, actually, four [notice there are 4 letters in their group name, not five], because one, the other four didn't actually like [but who I like - ha]) and I was so grateful that I molded myself to be like them. And then after a while, they just got to be so condescending, and manipulative, that I was obsessively counting down the days when I could just go home and cried in my room a few times and dreaded the weekends because they were such a haters clique. It was like I had been assigned to the wrong hallway. I wanted to move out anywhere else. ACLS weren't mean to me; on the contrary, they appeared nice. But they would exclude people, they only liked each other best, and the four would just constantly pick up and then drop girls and talk about them behind their backs. It made me paranoid. After a while I couldn't stand it at all, so I stopped hanging out with them. I'm glad I don't have to trick myself into thinking that they're my friends. I mean, they probably talked about me behind my back. Do I care anymore? No. Whatevs. We can be frenemies. Plus the guys they hang out with are annoying and fugly. They really are. I hate the guys they hang out with (the "third-floorers").The funny thing is, I like each of them (well, ALS, not C. C, I'm sorry to say, is just an ugly person on the inside, which is such a shame because she's so pretty on the outside) separately, but when you get them all in a big group, they like, feed off each other's negative energy and explode DOOM onto other people. You have to have an ego the size of Goliath before you interact with these people.
(I know. As of now, college seems like a total nightmare. But onto the turning point......)
But God has a funny way of working. It was only by hanging out with them that I got to know a girl, Mary, from another dorm down the street. When, the weekend before halloween, ACLS ditched me, I texted Mary to whine a bit and she instantly invited me to join her group instead. And the Saturday of October 29th when I went over to her dorm and met her group of friends was probably the happiest day of college I've had. Mary, Carrie (who is the only one who doesn't live in that dorm -- she lives in MINE!!!), Ilka (fellow Chinese *pumps fist*), Karen, and Jenna remind me so much of my group at home that I almost want to look to the sky to see God saying 'I told you I'd come through in the end'. I mean, it's much too early to tell if this will last, but something in my bones says it will. I feel so much more like myself around them. October 29th was like taking a breath of fresh air after being underwater for so long, not being able to see or hear or move properly, slowly drowning all the while (how's that for you metaphor nazis, HA!). We've hung out for a few weekends now and every weekend is so much fun. The only difficult thing is that I don't have any classes with them whatsoever and can't really see them during the week. But I always have hope, as crazy as that sounds because of how cynical I am. College has made me gain hope. I don't know if that's a good or bad thing.On top of that, Thanksgiving weekend I got to go home and it was... so good. So good. It was like I had never left. Everything just picked up where it left off... and standing in the airport, waiting for my mom to pick me up, tears of relief was streaming down my face, because I was home, I was smelling the Denver atmosphere, I had made it through college hell, and I had pulled through to the other side with new - but hopefully (see? HoPe) solid - friends to help me onto my feet again.
AHH. I've been rambling for about 4958374968 pages and I haven't even talked about classes at all. Whatever, though. Classes were fine this semester. I especially loved how I never had to go to Chinese, just show up once every three weeks or so for a test which she never graded - just gave me a big fat A+ on the top of my paper (ah, Chinese favoritism... ^_^v). COM107 was tough and kicked my ass, but that's okay, it was a learning experience. I also joined the student-owned TV station - CitrusTV - in hopes of padding my resume. I'm so not looking forward to next semester though - 17 credits, two 8 AM classes ><, and one of them is a MATH which I vowed never to take again. BAH HUMBUG.
I'm joining (possibly) a sorority in the spring. I relied on that, actually, to get me through the unhappy days, because I'd say, 'well these people don't matter anyway because I'm going to get into a sorority and make lifelong friends there, not with these girls. They're just space-fillers'. But I don't know which one to join - maybe Kappa Phi Lambda, the Asian sorority? I don't know, I dunno if I can stand being around Asians 24/7.
As far as the boy department goes, let me just say that first, platonic friendships with guys are SO MUCH EASIER than ones with girls. I get along so well with guys (just not the moronic third floorers). I wish girls would just get a grip and stop being catty and start burping and making weird jokes and scratching their butts and talk about sex in front of each other like guys do. As far as romantic interests go, um... when they say you meet all sorts in college, you do. I have about 6 stalkers and I DON'T KNOW HOW because HERE is something that never happened to me before in Denver! I think the most I had back home was 2 guys at a time who liked me, but never 6 and never the same intensity as they do here!! It's RIDICULOUS. Most of them are Asian, and about 10 guy's interests were short-lived (as in, do me tonight or I forget you - pff who needs those sorts) but I have never felt so flattered. Which is not to say I am hooking up with everyone like crazy, cuz I actually haven't with anybody. Weird, eh? I'm just not interested in any of them. Even though 2 of them are crazy good looking (ONE LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE TAKESHI KANESHIRO FROM HOUSE OF FLYING DAGGERS!!! I had opportunity to get him in my room twice - he offered - and I said no. *smacks forehead* Maybe that's for the best though).
College... is such a weird pseudo-life that will probably sooner or later become my half-real life. I'm not used to it right now, but I'm glad I've made it through the storm for now and was able to hold onto the edge of the ship, as many nails as I broke in the process. It's still a bit daunting to me. Lately the smallest 'mushy' thing - stories of friendship, of perseverence, of integrity - makes me want to cry. I don't know why... maybe it's because I know what it is now, that I went through it. I've never valued friends, family, my life, or mom doing my laundry for me as much as I do now. Speaking of friends, one night during Thanksgiving break I was driving Daren back home and she said, "I haven't found my best friend at college yet, but it always cheers me to know that I still have you, and Alex, and Lissa, and even Claire to fall back on in Denver." I wish I had found and relied on that. Perhaps it would've saved me instances of feelign like I wasn't enough, or something. But maybe I had to go through that to know that I don't 'own' Syracuse.
On October 23rd, I wrote a text message to nobody when I was in my room with the lamp on doing homework listening to the wind outside. It's still in my drafts, and it says this:
"I'm halfway convinced God is purposely making me live with people I don't like and work to find best friends as a test of endurance. I'll get through it... I swear."
I'll probably be deleting that draft soon, because God answered that call just 6 days later. God's got a sense of humor, I'll tell you that.
Syracuse still isn't perfect. I don't think it'll ever become my Denver niche (or maybe it will?), but it's still good. I feel like, if I ever am in tears, I have people to go to. And now, when anyone back home asks me how college is going, I can finally hold a real smile, look them in the eye, and say truthfully, "It's great."
...13 days, 21 hours, 53 minutes, 2 seconds. And counting...
...fantasy isn't all it's cut out to be (sometimes it's just reality in disguise),
Chen (Summer).
